Tropical Marine Fish 101

(Yeah, where can he pull a LowBrow moment out of a title like that?)

I walk into the pet store in Newton, MA, and they've just taken in a fresh delivery of fish.

I'm all excited to see what they have, but they don't have them in the tanks yet -- they're all sitting on the floor in open plastic basins.

I notice some really gorgeous marine Lionfish (pterans volitans), but I don't do marine, since their collection methods are so destructive (like dynamiting reefs, or poisoning them enough so that they can catch them, but not enough that they won't last for a few weeks until you've bought them).

(OK, OK, very educational, you smartass showoff, but WHERE'S the LowBrow?)

I glance back up the aisle. I cute 3 year-old girl is cooing over the "neat fishes" on the floor. Her mother is far away, ignoring her.

She reaches down to pet a Lionfish.

Time stops. If you or I touched a dorsal spine of a Lionfish, we would be in agony for days, and might wish we were dead. A 30 pound toddler wouldn't have time to wish.

I cover the distance in no time and roughly grab her up. She starts to cry. Her mother looks around, screams, and attacks me, clawing chunks out of my face.

I hand the kid to her, and try to explain that I maybe just saved her life.

She: "Pterans Volitans my ass, you sick fuck! I'm calling the police!"

She did. They came. I explained. The moronic storeworker looked "pterans volitans" up in the book, and turned gray. The cops read it, shook my hand, and left. The mom spat in my face.

Aaah, Newton, MA. I don't exactly miss it.

- LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com

:nono: Fucking bitch mother.

Hmm, these situations call for one of 2 things....

a. You get the cop to write her a ticket for spitting on you.

or

b. Tell her under your breath, "Your kid's got a tight ass."

either way, don't run into her again.

You sick fuck. :lol:

Today I was watching a repeat of Saturday Night Live on tv and the musical act that episode was MC Hammer. It was funnier than any of the skits.

- Violet1211@aol.com

The story sounds fake.

My brother-in-law was charged with inciting a riot.

On the last day of Montgomery Ward’s going-out-of-business sale, he picked up one of the phones that linked to the PA system, and he projected throughout the store, in his most business-like voice:


“Attention Montgomery Ward customers: All items are NOW FREE. Please select your items now and leave the store. Have a nice day.”


People frantically filled shopping carts with clothes, TV sets, appliances, dishes, you name it, and rushed the doors in a frenzy. So many people got away with so much stuff so quickly that there was no way for the staff to control what was happening.


My brother-in-law would have gotten away with it, except they caught him on camera picking up the phone, and also got a witness.


- kedrosami@hotmail.com

That sounds awesome. :wha:

I would have threatened to press charges for assault. Bitch.

It's not. For the unenlightened http://www.lowbrow.com

I've been there.

Where on that site does it prove every story to be true?

the fact that it's there, lowbrow is on the honor system

kidding, it's true in the way that the bible is true.



If You Can't Beat 'Em, Zing 'Em

After Pat Buchanan gave an incredibly racist keynote speech at the 1992 Republican National Convention, commentator Mollie Ivins suggested:

"It probably sounded better in the original German."

- LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com

Hudson River Tales
The Scenic Route
A gorgeous fellow environmentalist friend visits me and my wife.

I don't quite have the right attitude about the sanctity of marriage, so I take her on a ride on my motorcycle.

Down the Hudson River valley. With her pressing against me very tight, yesss!

Perfect motorcycle country: Storm King Mountain, West Point, and eventually down to the Bear Mountain Bridge.

Peekskill Bay is shrouded in fog, laying low over the water.

She: "That fog is so wonderfully beautiful! I love pure Nature at it's best!"

Should I tell her? No: The fog is caused by the hot water that the Indian Point Nuclear power station (where I work) pumps out into Peekskill Bay.


- LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com

So, I'm 17 and knew nothing of girls. A twist of fate and a growth spurt left me reasonably attractive and driving a new convertible Mustang. (thanks Mom and Dad!)
This girl I know tells me she would like to have a menage a trois with me and her roommate. Sounded like fun, but I had no idea what it meant.

We ended up out in the woods looking at the stars and they both jumped on me. I couldn't figure out what the fuck was going on, so hopped on the one with bigger tits and snubbed the other one. I mean, can't she wait her turn?

The next day I'm describing the scene to my buddy, who tells me I'm full of shit. I ask him what "menage a trois" means anyway. He laughs and tells me.

I have never felt more stupid.


- jt@work

Poor sperm cells... There they are, standing around in a circle, turning the collars of their trenchcoats up against the cold, lighting little cigarettes.

"Sure is cold..."

"Yep."

"I wonder where Ms. Egg is? She sure is taking her sweet time..."

[uncomfortable silence, and dawning trepidation]

"Hey! You don't suppose..."

"Nawwwww... No way!"

[shuffling of tails... a few of the weaker ones succumb to the cold, until there are only two cells left]

"Dude... I KNEW it! We've been JACKED!"

"Oh.... It.. It's g-g-getting c-c-cold... I don't want to die like this!"

"Jacked..." *sob*

The End

My younger brother was in the bathroom and my older brother needed to use it. He was in a hurry and didn't wish to wait so he decided to relieve himself in the back yard.

As he began to urinate next to my garage in my back yard my younger brother called out to him from the bathroom window to inform him that it was now his for the taking. He explained that he didn't need it. As he looked back at his steady stream of urine he noticed that my 7 week old puppy was standing under it, virtually bathing in it, seeking comfort in it's warmth on a cold december day.

- what_imfat@hotmail.com

This is my kinda lowbrow:

"What the hell is with these PETA people? Did children stop starving, and I didn't hear about it? Has violence towards women ceased to be a concern? Did we all start loving each other while I was in the head?

In short, might we consider letting the animals mind themselves for a short time while we clean up our own shit?


- fenomas@penismightier.com "

President George Dubya, on his first official trip abroad, was riding with Queen Elizabeth II in her state carriage when one of the horses saturated the air with about 100 litres of warm, rancid, hay-smelling fart.

After a few moments of tense silence, the Queen turned spoke:

Q: "My apologies, Mr. President, but there are some things that even a queen has no control over."

W: "That's OK, Lizzie -- if you hadn't said anything, I'd a thought it was one of the horses."

- limbo@IJustGotFired.com

My parents had just seperated. My mother and I lived in the house by ourselves since my dad left. Neither of my parents wanted to keep the house, so it was up for sale. That Summer, it was pretty regular business for random people to drive into the yard from the real estate office who were checking out the house.

I was home alone one day and decided I would go outside and tan some in the front yard. Lying there in the lawn chair, I stipped butt-naked to tan, so it would be even(just because I could). We had a pretty closed in yard, lots of trees surrounding and it was a long driveway back from the road to the house, so it was fairly private. My mother wasn't going to be around for at least a few hours, so it'd be fine to be there unclothed.

After a half hour baking in the sun, I was hot and hungry. Picked a handfull of raspberries that grew on the side of our lawn, arranged the sprinkler to spritz the area I was sitting in.

Sat down, ate my berries in the sun under the sprinkler.

Lying there, naked, hot, sweaty, wet. It gave me a hard on something wicked. I started stoking myself off when I looked down at my hands and found they were red from the berries and swollen. In my momentary paranoia, thinking I walked nude through poison ivy growing in the berry bushes, I run frantically to the hose and begin spraying off the berry juice I had just inadvertantly rubbed all over by dick and balls, contemplating that I can wash away the poison ivy before it sinks in and I get a rash or whatever.

Squatting there in the grass over the hose nozel, aimed squarely at my balls and asscrack, almost giving me an enema from the water pressure, I look up to see a car parked in the driveway.

Wagon, family of 4, jaws dropped in unison at stand still, sitting in the car watching me... scrubbing bright red juice off my balls with a hose pointed at my ass and a huge aching hard on...

I get up, trying to cover up my genitals and hide behind something in the yard, yelling "GO AWAY!" while red juice dribbles from my sack and asscrack down my leg. I scamper across the yard for my towel as they floor it in reverse down the driveway in laughter. I assume they were there to look at the house.

To this day, I don't know who thought they caught me ass-fucking myself bloody in the yard. I feel full of shame and embarrasment whenever I think about it...

Thank god we moved...

- yum@triscuits.org

Ever had a girlfriend whos mother hated you? I do, and it just got a whole lot worse.

Being 19 and such, we're pretty adventerous sexually. So one night, we're in the living room of our apartment getting really freaky. Her mother instantly bursts in the door and cathes us. Picture this: Me pretty much naked, handcuffed to a pillar, ballgaged, getting head from my girlfriend. She's wearing a fishnet and corset with a very mini-skirt. The worst part was my girlfriend didn't stop. She had her back turned, and we were blasting KMFDM, so she didn't hear the door open. As quickly as she came in, she left. I'm not invited to anymore of her family's get-togethers.


- Machine@imaterrorist.com

Site doesn't for me =\

The best part about Mayhem's post. They were listening to KMFDM. That can be some odd music and got me yelled at quite a bit at school.

Boo.



I went to a party where there was a shit ton of cocaine.

Not one to turn down the snowy goodness, I endulged.


After about 10 lines, my face was numb and I realized I was still chewing gum.


I took it out, set it on a counter and continued.


Some 15 hours later, I wasn't high any more, I was really tired and I had spent about 4 hours letting the coke wear off so I could drive home. I was careful to make sure I wasn't high at all before even thinking of leaving.


Without a thought, I grabbed my gum off the counter and put it back in my mouth as I left, chomping away.


2 minutes later, as I'm driving away, my jaw goes numb and I'm high again.


Goddamnit.


- info@detroitborn.com

I got this medical dictionary and it is damn funny.

For example:

'Prader-Willi syndrome'

= a congenital condition in which obesity is associated with mental retardation and small genitalia.

Basically, life sucks for you!!!!!!

Imagine you only had 2 of those 3 symptons - which would you have?

Personanlly, i'd go for obesity and small genitalia.

Yeah i know, but then i could use my mind to realise i can get surgery.

Thinking 'outside' the box.

- animaltesting@hotmail.com


A guy at my school told me that a few months ago he had to go to the doctor because his balls were swollen and hurting.

When the doctor asked him how much he masturbated, he replied(his mom is in the room) 5 or 6 times a day.

Apparently somehow the incessant masturbation led to fucking up his balls.

- thenewcultking@yahoo.com


she's an innocent 20 years old.

i am an experienced 27 year old.

she overheard me humping the hot mom next door while we were seeing each other (as limbo would say, keep clicking)...

she asks:

"hey, if i go down on you, will crazy nasty shit start growing on my mouth?"

"wha... what? hell no..."

"are you sure?"

"of course..."

i still didn't get head.

- xxx@mntrs.com


a while back i got this huge boil under my arm. this big sore thing that just wouldn't go away. someone told me that if you heat a glass up enough and put it over the boil it sucks it out.

i put a glass in a pot of boiling water for a few minutes, put on some gloves and cupped it over the boil.

few seconds of nothing, then it hurts more than usual, then there is a popping sucking noise, kinda like when you get a bad blowjob.

look in the glass and there is a ball of blood and puss in the glass atleast an inch across. i stuck my thumb in the whole in my side just for the hell of it. a friend who was there promptly threw up.

- gogetf_cked@hotmail.com


My First Prostrate Exam...

...was supposed to be with my regular doctor, but he was gone on an emergency, so here I was stuck [sic] with some unknown, fatter version of Oprah.

She, lubing the glove up: "Turn on your side and relax."

Right.

She: "You really need to relax! I can't do this if you don't relax!"

My thought: Fine by me. Let's reschedule for about five years from now...

She: "I'm just not getting through to you, buster, am I? Just lie back and think of England."

That phrase came straight from a 19th Century advice book for newlywed women who (in the Victorian tradition) arrived at their wedding night without knowing anything at all about sex.

I started to laugh uncontrollably. She stuck it in. Neat lady.

Gil, a coworker: "You let a woman give you a prostate exam?"

Me: "Not just any woman, but a big, black one."

Gil: "Ewwwww..."

- LowBrowLimbo@hotmail.com


Not mine but my mother's. She called me to proclaim that when she was taking a dump, she strained so hard that it gave her a black eye.

"You won't tell anyone, will you?"

You guys don't count...!

- blackeye@toilet.com


I went into the gas station and paid for my gas and the guy embarassingly points at my shirt, and starts doing a buttoning motion with his hands.

I act surprised and say "Oh thanks for telling me...how embarassing that could have been" and button it back up.

As I walk away I have to roll my eyes and I unbutton it again...man some people just don't get it.

- LaDeeFrickingDa@aol.com


I'm 24. My stupid brother knocks up his girlfriend sophmore year in college. They decide to get married, want me to be best man. I put off getting fitted for the tux. I mean really, like it's some fuking honor for me to spend $100 to rent some stupid outfit for his stupid wedding cause he impregnated his stupid girlfriend. Dad calling, gotta get fitted...blah, blah....OK. Fine.

It's summer time, I don't wear underwear in the summer. It's a small shop, I show up 30 minutes before closing. A very attractive woman, girl? I don't know maybe 18, 19, hands me the tux. In the dressing room, I realize, no undies, slightly self conscious....start fantasizing about banging this chick....get so absorbed in this fantasy, that when I come out of the dressing room, I fail to realize that I've forgotten to zip......I'm looking straight ahead, obeying her commands, still unaware, that the tip of my dick is peeking through. What's this about? she says, pointing. I look down, and realize, and turn as red as a person can. She thought it was so cute. We had sex in the dressing room. Makes my brother not look so stupid afterall.

- KillerB@bonghit.com


I guess I have a vivid imagination and am I've had too much sex for my own good or something, but I orgasm really easily and I can start doing it without anything physical...just by thinking...and being aroused makes you less sleepy you know?

so last year, when I was really sleepy and about to pass out during the 3 hour AP English exam, I used that...talent... to keep myself awake. I was in a room full of people, and I feel like someone must have noticed, but nobody had the nerve to ask me why I was in such a good mood afterwards.

- orgasms@collegeboard.com


I was dating this guy...It was long distance, he would have to drive 2 hours to see me. One day, he had arrived, and after some decent sex, he said to me:

"I was thinking about you on the way up"

"Oh yeah?" (Hoping for a good fantasy to get him in the sack again)

"Yeah, I was thinking about you and started masturbating..."

"In the car? Hope you had some napkins handy" (At this point I was starting to get a bit disgusted)

"Well actually, I did something else with it..."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I decided to try what you do...I ate it..."

"Huh?"

Yes folks, true story, he ate his own cum, in the car, while driving down the interstate. And this is supposed to turn me on?

Needless to say, its over.

- yoyo@hotmail.com


I bought my girlfriend a vibrator as a gift, hoping it would lead to her being a bit more open about her sexuality.

She refuses to use it on herself (even when I'm not around) and instead is always asking to use it on me.

Low brow? Sort of.

But what's even more low brow is that I claim to be very confident with my heterosexuality, yet very sexually open and willing to try new things, but I refuse when she asks to try it on me. But the truth is I would fucking love it.

- how@shit.com