Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC over Law and Order, because his left leg is Law, and his right leg is Order.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever beat a brick wall at a game of tennis.

O. M. F. G.

And I thought the ones about Vin Diesel were funny...please excuse me while I pick up my left lung from the floor, where I laughed it up.

Chuck Norris beat Bruce Lee in competition, yes? 'nuff said.

Chuck FUCKING LOL?!

Chuck Fucking Norris, I'm soooo saving this, it's hella funny, I love it.

Seen it before, but it still made me chuckle. The Vin Diesel one was good, too.

Where did you find this?

Could somebody give a link to the Vin Diesel one was well? I have to read it if it is even half as funny as this.

Ask, and ye shall recieve.

Thats the top 30 favorites. And there are others too.

I found it at Ravetrash.com. A message board for the club scene here in Southern Ohio. We talk less about parties and more about random entertaining stuff though.

rofl

That post made my day.

How come most of the Mr. T ones suck so much compared to Vin and Chuck?

Chuck + Vin > Mr. T

Duh. It's simple math.

(w7f0wn3d n00b)

Don't get me wrong, Mr. T is incredibly awesome. But did he take over a giant intergalactic empire with just a knife or star in Walker, Texas Ranger? No.

This happens when we give randoms links to cool topics:

<Tricksy> and, godo's middle name is Chuck Norris
<Tricksy> so you know he kicks ass
<JD|HW> no, he's just Chuck Norris in disguise
<JD|HW> only Chuck Norris can lift a log that big and swing it around on a chain
<Tricksy> nah, he is Chuck Norris's sun
<JD|HW> son you mean?
<Tricksy> son*
<Tricksy> and he takes after his dad
<ChocoCid> chuck norris's SUNFORGER
<JD|HW> ew
<JD|HW> one of Chuck Norris' many progeny
<Tricksy> if they ever printed a chuck norris card, it would read "when this card comes into play, you may roundhouse kick your opponent, your opponent may concede the game to prevent this from happeneing"
<ChocoCid> lol
<ChocoCid> *may not
<Odintu> that doesn't stop them from blocking the kick
<JD|HW> Chuck Norris had his appendix removed. That appendix became Godo, Bandit Warlord and Tatsumasa the Dragon's Fang and Umezawa's Jitte.
<Tricksy> nice
<ChocoCid> chuck norris is umezawa
<ChocoCid> that explains why the jitte is so badass
<Tricksy> nah, Godo is his penis, and the equips are his balls
<JD|HW> Chuck Norris killed Umezawa and made his Jitte better
<JD|HW> that was some terrible imagery there
<JD|HW> :\
<Tricksy> yeah
<Tricksy> i know
<Tricksy> but it explains why all 3 kick ass
<JD|HW> I think my life would have been significantly better without that comment
<Tricksy> nah
<Tricksy> i think it was just improved
<ChocoCid> ...
<ChocoCid> i think baby jesus just cried
<MotC> yes
<MotC> i am baby jesus
<Tricksy> cause Chuck roundhouse kicked him in the face
<ChocoCid> hah
* JD|HW is now known as BabyJ3sus
* BabyJ3sus sobs
* BabyJ3sus is now known as JD|SUI
<Tricksy> the chuck man giveth, the chuck man take
<JD|SUI> :\
<ChocoCid> chuck norris gave baby jesus the gift of BEARD
<ChocoCid> which he wore to his dying day
<JD|SUI> Choco, I shouldn't have given out that link, should I?
<ChocoCid> rofl
<ChocoCid> i think i did first anyway
<ChocoCid> soo...
<JD|SUI> now not only is ABS barning Chuck Norris, so is all of O-Gaming :\
<ChocoCid> ROFL

...

30 minutes later...

<Tricksy> The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.
<Tricksy> Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.
<JD|SUI> ...
<JD|SUI> I guess we can add Mr. T to the list of things O-Gaming is now barning

I like how Chuck starts to sit down instead of falling down.

OMG, lyle has 999 posts!!!!

http://www.misetings.com/forums/showthread.php?t=13072


:lol:

Mike Flores once cast Tsabo's Decree naming 'Jews' as a joke. The result is what we now know as the holocaust.

I didn't even notice until you said something and im over the hump now.

yeehaw, celebrating post count on the internet is so 3 years ago.

I was playing WoW the other day and I watched in amusement as the Chuck Norris Guild with it's Vin Diesel rival guild were created on the server chromaggus.

We all care so much.

Shut the fuck up and go back to the WotC boards.

Why do you care? And by the ponza sucks ass, type 2 sucks ass, and therefore you suck ass. So why don't you go back to the Wotc Boards you fucking loser. And if you don't like what I say then don't read it.

both of you need to chill out.

Well I didn't start it, he just posted on all of the threads that i posted in ridiculing me and I don't even know who is.

Flame wars are not tolerated here.

@Ponza
Stop baiting him. Don't be a douchebag.

@rulerofearth
If you really don't care what Ponza says, don't validate him.

Verbal warning to both of you. Keep it civil guys.

Noobish posts in a noob posts thread...
er, wait, this isn't the noob posts thread. damn the lot of ye.

Erm, I don't think it's possible to pass judgment on what you say if I don't read it. Just thought I'd throw that out there.