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I'll try and have a read of this today at work...

Hey Marva, this is looking good.

Baakir is a really cool character, he's already quite humorous and the potential is there for even more. I loved the whistling, and also the wisful look he gave when thinking of his equine babe. A horse that breathes fire at inopportune times is a character with a lot of comic potential. Also, I'd imagine if you're a horse person this would lead to really portraying him pretty damn well, even in this realm of fantasy, because you'd know so much about them and their habits.

'A little bird told me' -- Yep, I seen the gag coming but it didn't detract from it one bit, har har. Again, more good imagery of the little swallow gesticulating to the fire-breathing horse.

The only niggly thing I noticed was a small repetition of 'She' in the 3rd to 5th paragraphs. The 4th has quite a few. I don't think it's that big a deal, but I did notice it a little when reading. It's more the sentences that begin 'She' consecutively that would be the ones to look at, perhaps.

One question - Sitara? I thought the main character was Cadida?

Pretty darn good, Marva. My exposure to fantasy writes is nearly zilch, so I can't judge how it stacks up in the genre. Measuring horse-height in hands always annoys me, me being measurement challenged-- you might as well have converted the three-feet levitation bit to metrics-- and really befuddled me.

Overall, I was sucked in by this. Good work in getting it started. Were it much much longer, I'd still be reading-- not because I've suddenly become a fan of the genre, but because your writing style is so well-suited for this sort of endeavor.

Bren and Will:

Thanks for the comments.

Bren: I'll check on all the "she" usages and mix it up. I changed her name because Cadida reminded too many people of candida-the yeast infection. Sitara is actually a Sanscrit name. Baakir and Barika are African words. I have the meanings written down someplace. Azhi Dahaka is as advertised--a Persian dragon demon.

Will: Sorry about the hands measurement. Maybe I'll just leave that out, but this is my pitiful attempt to present a picture of a character. To the horsey set, I couldn't use any other measurement. Maybe comparing where Sitara's head reaches will give a ballpark.

Not to worry. I've got more of the story already written and I'll post the second part in the next day or two.

Oh I really like this new segment, Marva. Baakir is a wonderful character and as Bren mentioned it will be great to see the mishaps his fire-breathing will cause. I like the name change for reasons I stated before. I'll watch for part II.

Gayla