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First off, Marva, you should have put this in the children's section. Well, too late now.

What else, folks?

Twisting around to get a look at her rear end, she walked in a circle like a dog getting ready to lie down.

I think the last part of this would read better if you said: Twisting around to get a look at her rear end, she circled like a dog getting ready to lie down.

I was a little put off by the number of "shes" in the first part. You could probably reword and get rid of a few.

I liked the "lemons" theme. Your protag reminds me of Disney's Pollyanna, one of my favorite childhood characters.

BTW, my favorite "lemon" line is: If life gives you lemons, take them because, hey, free lemons.

Sounds good to me, Gayla. I changed the circling line and took out a few of the "she"s. I'd already removed a passel of them!

Marva,

Nice story.

Beginning: Good, wanted to read on.
In my opinion, this was definitely interesting enough to make me read on. Besides, I like these kind of stories.

Two suggestions:
"When would Mom give up with the girly routine? "

This kind of sounds like Mom has a girly routine.  Perhaps something like, ...
when woud Mom quit feeding her the girly routine.  Or ...give up pushing the girly routine. 

"..even thudding around on old Nat and Nan. "

I think you need the word "while" in there. ....even while thudding around on old Nat or Nan. (or rather than and since she can't ride them both at the same time).

Those were the only two things that caught my attention as possibilities of being fixed.

This was engaging, Marva. I hope you can get it out there.

Good suggestions, Opal. I've made the changes.

Thank you.

Looks like everyone beat me to the complaints again.

Sure liked reading about the big draft horses. I know the story wasn't about them, but it did trigger some memories. Dad had a half dozen teams of logging horses. They were Belgian and Broomtail crosses. I used to ride Paddy, he weighed 2200 lbs.
The words massive and broad discribe their backs very well.

Thanks for giving me something to read.

Tomper

Hey, Tom. I still have to write a couple of logging stories. My father did some horse logging up here in the coast range. That might go together with the story about when he went after the log scaler with an axe. He said he enjoyed the three weekends in jail--gave him a chance to relax. :lol:

I remember this one from EOTW. Wasn’t it a challenge response at one point? I recall voting in it’s favor. I could be mistaking it for another though. In any occasion, I think it’s nice, easy read. No complaints here. Sorry, but no tips for that matter. I’ve got to sharpen up.

Bad Day: It has a history for sure. Originally, BloominEckMissL challenged me to a private half-hour write. We exchanged prompts. I ended up with two of the prompts still intact and tossed one for a plot (if there is a plot here) change.

It also started out with four-letter words in place of the euphemisms and I entered it in the F**k Challenge.

I then expurgated it as it's really a teen story.

I submitted it to Cricket Magazine in December, but haven't heard back so I think the rejection got lost in the changeover of SASE stamps from 37 to 39 cents. Cheapskates and they don't take electronic subs.

Now, I'm reworking it and wondering where I might sub it again.

Thanks for reading (both the story and this long explanation).

I remember this from the swearing challenge, or a variation of it.

Not sure on any improvements really, it seems like it's a snapshot more than a story. Perhaps it needs more conflict, some sort of expansion of plot, to work better? But what I don't know could fill a warehouse, so... :unsure:

I like the character sketch though.

Being dumped off the horse isn't thrilling enough, eh? :o

Ah, well. My stories tend to be more vignettes than anything.

:( I repeat, I don't know anything!!!

Actually, it's probably the 'teen' aspect of this. In retrospect, it's probably suited to that audience very well... and I ain't that audience! ;)

So yeah, my opinion definitely isn't worth much on this one... It's all about the target market, isn't it?

I'm so amused by the ads that show up on this site.

I see a whole string of ads regarding horses at the bottom of the screen. Is Big Brother watching or what?

Bren: You know as much as anybody. You're right that not a whole lot goes on. Let's examine the structure.

Beginning: Girl is going to her job that allows her riding privileges.
Middle: On the way, she rips her jeans. This brings to her mind that her mother doesn't like her being so tomboyish.
Still in the Middle: She finds a squashed snake by the railroad tracks. She finds this interesting and wishes it were a snakeskin.
End: She goes riding and the dead snake causes her to be bucked off the horse and rip her jeans even more. Now her mom is really going to be pissed.

Nope, not a lot going on there except we learn a lot about the girl and her mom. We see the girl confronted with a situation (bucked off) and decides that if life gives her lemons, then she'll just make lemonade. Reveals the girl's character.

I wonder. Does the girl need to be attacked by a serial killer to make a conflict sufficient. What is conflict? There's obviously a conflict between the girl and her mom. What is the girl going to do about it? Does the person need to change in some way? Or, is the story sufficient if we see how this one person reacts to a situation?

Actually, I'm asking these questions seriously. What is sufficient conflict to make this a story? I tend to think we need more and more stimulation for our stories (murder, mayhem, super great CGI graphics) when, in fact, the stories of our lives are more low-key than that (I hope to high heavens!).

Whew. That was a lot of whatever. Sorry. But, I think I'll go ahead and post anyway. How little does it tak to make a story?

Hi Marva,
I do agree with a few of the others that this IS more a childrens story. But I would gage it for girls from 8-13. Girls 14 through eighteen might be more interested in teen stuff, and boy girl relationships. I could be wrong, but thats how I feel about it. Good story really, and this kind of thing does happen on farms. I only have one complaint, you stopped too soon....it was just getting interesting. I guess no matter what age the story is about, I'm attracted to Farm Stories, since I mostly grew up on one.
Nice stuff!
Pat

- Yes, but she has already said this line near the beginning of the piece. So we know that this is her attitude from the start. Perhaps shifting the main 'lemons' line to the end would improve things? Then, the conclusion she makes (...make lemonade...) can be the resolution to her own conflict.

- Conflict can be internal conflict too, so outside elements like serial killers aren't the only option in this regard. There is some internal conflict here, as you say, in the relationship between mother and daughter. We're told that 'Mom would kill her' because of her tomboyish exploits. So fair enough in that regard.

- Yeah I know what you mean, but often the better conflict is internal, personal conflict. It's possibly a bit easier to create this through first-person though.

I read Pat's comment, now it all makes sense. A girls story! I couuln't figure out why she was concerned about tearing her pants.

Well, Marva, you've asked what elements make a story a proper story rather than just a sequence of events, much like what you've written here. Don't take me wrong; this is a pleasant read, but mostly because of your splendid telling voice.

My favorite treatise on the subject of creating a good short story can be found at:

http://www.danielpublishing.com/resourcesback.htm

and I'll post a bit of it here:

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Don't be overly predictable. Surprise. Irony is an essential ingredient of plot construction. Irony at the plot level is the unexpected event that makes perfect sense. Make the reader react with "AHA!"-not with "Duh." or "Huh?"

The beginning of a story has to make the reader want to read the middle of the story. The well-worn phrase that wears well is, "Hook 'em with curiosity, and hold 'em with conflict."

Conflict is an absolute necessity of fiction short or long. Otherwise, what's the difference? The short story assumes there are obstacles to overcome, differences to reconcile, winners vs. losers, good guys vs. bad guys, inner struggles, arguments, fistfights, car chases, or merely difficult decisions. Mild or major, the conflict is at the heart of both character and plot. And somewhere in the plot, this conflict often results in a significant shift in the balance of power.

Which means: stories are about change. When we say "something happens to someone," we're talking about a change.

Often--perhaps more often than just often--that change is the result of a choice. A character must make a choice, and because of that choice, the character changes.

Built into that last statement is the concept of consequence. Consequence makes all the difference when it comes to plot. Vladimir Nabokov's wonderful, simple example shows the difference between a plot and a mere sequence of events. The latter: "The King died and the Queen died." The former: "The King died, and the Queen died of grief." A plot is not just a sequence of events: A, then B, then C, then D. A plot says B happened as a result of A, and that because of B, C had to happen, which led (surprisingly or inevitably or both) to D, and so on. Until:

Climax! Need I say more?

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And much more is said.

Thanks, Will. All stuff I learned in grade school and sometimes need reminding.

I already made some changes to get the conflict idea in here, but didn't repost. I was pretty sure this was a dead thread.