I Dreamed A Dream

Season One

Spoilers: Cold Lazarus

Catagory: Angst

Summary: What happened to Jack after seeing his wife again? Not to mention "Charlie"... (w.i.p.)

Parts: Unknown
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For whom I never thought I’d see,
To you.
My friend, companion,
The love I never knew

Once here, now gone,
You dared a dream,
But I was never there.

Nor was he.

There it was. Jack’s family whole once again. Charlie, who had previously been another Jack, stood at his “father’s” side. As the colonel walked out with the entity, Sara O’Neill, full of fear and longing, noticed the two and murmured softly, “Charlie?” Jack had answered simply, trying to keep his voice strong.

“It’s not him.” Sara looked at him imploringly, she didn’t understand. Here was Charlie and her ex-husband, but it wasn’t Charlie? This was her family! Jack, Sara, and Charlie O’Neill. She simply cried. Jack assured her that everything would be okay, not really sure of himself.

Somehow, Jack had torn himself away from his wife and managed to bring “Charlie” to the cars to be transported back to the SGC. Looking out the window on last time, Jack drove off. He realized he probably wouldn’t see his wife ever again or at least for a while. Oh! How he missed her… her sweet face, her cocky O’Neillish attitude, among other things. Jack refused to break out into tears, not in front of this false Charlie. The colonel didn’t look at his “son” for fear he might cry.
Back in the SGC, all his friends around him, he watched the young boy walk through the Stargate. O’Neill then realized, he was watching his boy step out of his life again. Jack stood rigid as he watched. Those eyes of his… God he missed his Charlie.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Daniel noticed something was immediately wrong with the man once the “energy” form went through the gate. Daniel refused to see it as anything else. Jack walked out of the gate room, shoulders drooped, head down. Very unlike the Jack O’Neill he knew. The concerned archeologist went to stop him.

“Jack.”

The colonel named turned his head to face his friend.

“You okay Jack?” The colonel smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes – it was almost completely empty, like Jack O’Neill had taken a break and left an empty husk in his place.

“I swear you’re psychic Danny.”

A ghost of a grin lit Daniel’s face. “Nah, just concerned. I’m serious Jack, are you okay?”

The sadness in his eyes was overwhelming.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said quietly and walked away before Daniel could continue. Daniel watched him leave and shook his head. Something was not right, that was easy to see, but what? Daniel had honestly thought that Jack had gotten over his son. He knew that the incident had left a scar, but… he didn’t know. He didn’t think it would affect him this deeply. Daniel looked up at Sam, now in the Control Room, and shrugged hopelessly.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jack had headed off to one of the VIP rooms so no one could find him easily. He told the guard to leave, walked inside, and thought about things. Sara and Charlie had been together for the first time in years. He started to sniffle while pacing.

Jack hunkered down and cried his life out. He’d done this years ago, but now, now it all came back. The sudden bang after a nice talk with Sara, he running to his son’s room only to find him dead or close to it. The smell of gunpowder in the room had overpowered his senses. Tears now came rumbling down in a silent flood.

He was rocking himself in desperation, crying for his dead son. Sam Carter stood by the door and cried herself. Hearing the colonel cry had done it for her. Closing the door softly, she leaving Jack to his memories.

That night Jack O’Neill cried himself to sleep.

“Are you dying, now?”

“Yes.”

“I could not bring Charlie to you.”

“Charlie’s gone.”

“No. He’s in here.” Something miraculous happened then. The double turned into a familiar young boy. He placed his hand over Jack’s heart.

“Charlie?” Jack blinks furiously.

“You cannot change what happened that day just as I cannot change the day the Gould destroyed my world. I’m showing you what of Charlie’s still there, inside you.” Jack looked at the ghost of his son in wonder, hoping he could have him back. Daniel finally pulls him away.

“Jack… Jack.”

“We have to go,” he whispers to the vision.

“Is Sara O’Neill still here?”

“Yes.”

‘Charlie’ grins slightly. They walk down the hallway, his team behind him and Jack’s son with him. He dismisses his team and goes to Sara, Charlie in hand.

“Sara.”

“Oh my God.”

“It’s not Charlie.” The look on her face… shocked, hopefully, fearless perhaps. They hugged finally, in a lover’s embrace.

It’s not Charlie… it’s not Charlie…

“It’s not Charlie…I love you Sara.” Jack O’Neill woke from a particularly bad dream about his son. “That was no dream Jack,” he told himself. “Charlie was there, right there in my arms!”

O’Neill sat up in his bed and rubbed his eyes. He tossed his legs off his bed and looked around at the dark room. The feeling of suicide came back to him in a way he never thought it could.

With the feelings came the memories.

There he was, staring at the all-familiar shape of his gun. Black as death and produced it as surely. It had killed his only son. His Charlie had died right here, in this room. He sat on the edge of Charlie’s bed contemplating death.

It would be nice and easy and fast, he told himself. The gun looked back at him waiting to have an answer. Jack gripped it. The grip held itself perfectly in his hand. He released it again, the last person to hold his personal gun was Charlie… how would Sara react if he was to go too?

Sara might think it better for he knew. She wasn’t talking to him. When she tried, he clammed up. He knew it was his fault to leave the gun lying around like that. They could never have a son again, not after Charlie.

“Colonel Jack O’Neill?” He hid the gun quickly at the voice. He thought to himself, ‘what the hell do you want?’

He released himself from the throes of the memories. Now, all cried out for today, he sat and stared off into the distance, not caring about anything else.

Now, he stared at the gun again, on the edge of his bed. How nice it would be to go and join his Charlie. After all, the other him had said that Charlie still lived in his heart. But no, he thought, he had to wait until after he met with Sara again.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Jack was brooding again and Daniel knew it. O’Neill was walking down the hall aimlessly and lost. Daniel tapped him on the shoulder lightly.

“Jack?” he asked concerned. The colonel gave a weak smile in return.

“Hi Danny,” he said just as softly.

“You okay?”

“Just peachy,” he said, attempting small humor. It didn’t pass inspection.

“Seriously Jack. We’re all worried about you.”

“I’m fine, really.” He tried to put a truer smile over the mask of pain. Daniel didn’t look like he believed it for a second, but he gave up. There was no use in talking to a rock.

“Jack, if you need us, we’re here for you. You don’t have to open up or anything, but… you know…”

“Yeah.” He walked away. Daniel frowned at what was happening to his friend and turned the other way.

Today was Saturday and he was on a mission. Jack had meekly told the general he wasn’t going to be here today and Hammond had accepted it and given Jack leave.

Now he rode in his truck, brooding about the meeting. He was actually going to meet Sara for the first time since… he didn’t want to think about that right now. Apparently, his double had told her some nice things, now he wanted to do the same. He sighed again. The park they were going to meet at was the one they’d gone to the first time they had been together. That bought back memories, good and bad.

Jack turned into the park entrance, got out of the truck, and sat on a park bench, head in hands.

“Jack?” a soft voice said. He looked up to find his beautiful Sara there.

“Oh Sara.” He got up and hugged her. “How are you?” Sara looked taken back, that was different.

“Okay, you?”

“Not so good actually.”

“Sit down Jack.” They sat close to each other, each basking in each other’s love.

“Sara… I’m sorry for all I’ve done.” She stared at him.

“Jack, it wasn’t your fault. We should have talked to each other rather than clam up. I made a mistake and so did you.”

“But Sara, it was my gun. The one I have on me right now!” he declared. He’d never told anyone that. Not Kawalski, not Carter, not even Hammond. No one knew. Sara’s shoulders dropped in amazement. Keeping that gun took courage and inner strength. “I keep it as a reminder to keep kids safe and not to hurt the innocent.” Jack stiffened a little.

“Jack, why torture yourself? Why not keep it locked up or scrap it?” Jack stared straight ahead. Sara knew that keeping that gun was perhaps doing good for him, yet she couldn’t help but think…

“Sara, I need it. In happier times, I think of Charlie. It keeps me from acting irrationally most of the time." He paused uncertainly."Actually, I try not to think about him.”

“You don’t?”

“No, I’d go insane if I did.”

Sara looked at him and he looked at her. They loved each other, but were separated by the pain and memories of it all. Brown eyes looked into the others soul. Sara had told the other Jack that she wasn’t angry at him. He told her that he had walked out on her because Jack thought she was angry at him. He’d been right at least.

“Jack, did you walk out on me because you thought I was angry at you?” she had to know if the double had told the truth. He didn’t answer for a minute then turned to her again.

“Yes, I did.”

“You know I needed you then Jack.”

“I know, I should have opened up a little. I blamed myself for it these past two years.” Jack looked down at his hands again.

“I know you did, but you didn’t let me through. We could have lived a little easier if we helped each other.” Sara realized she was repeating herself form the encounter with the other Jack. Tears framed the corner of her eyes.

“Sara, I know I made the mistake… but… I can’t believe it.”

“I know Jack, I know.” They embraced and rocked each other. His ex-wife cried for his sake and for Charlie.

“It’s okay Sara… its okay.”

A/N: This chapt doesnt reflect my faith or anything and please excuse some errors i might have made cuz i've never been in a church either so.... i got this idea after watching x-files, yeah i know....
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Jack looked up at the giant ornate building in front of him. Not being a religious man, he hadn’t stepped foot into a church since his wedding so many years ago. He sighed and went up the steps. Inside, he found it devoid of life. Up front was the altar with the massive stained glass windows behind them. The colonel went to the candles and lit one. He paused then lit another.

“For you Charlie, and Sara,” he muttered and headed to confessions. Feeling embarrassed, he looked around to find no one. Poor priest, he was probably as lonely as the officer approaching him. He sat down and the curtain slid away.

“Father, I have sinned.” He paused there as the priest waited for him to continue.

“How so my son?”

“The… the woman I loved… she, she,” he stopped there and tried to compose his thoughts. The least it would do is keep him from stuttering. He took a deep breath. “My ex-wife and I can’t love each other because of me.” It all came out in a breathless rush.

“Why? God has faith in you my son.”

“It was my son… he died by my gun…” The priest and Jack went silent. The priest didn’t know what exactly to make of this situation. Jack spoke up again. “Why has God been cruel to me? First he takes my son, thinks about taking me, then takes my wife from me.” He’d never confessed like this and he never would. Jack had never believed in God anyway, but all of a sudden he had some little faith despite what he had been through.

“God has his reasons for misery. Misery makes people learn from their mistakes.” The priest knew he was being harsh, but it seemed this man had had this evil energy all pent up in him for a long time.

“But why my innocent son?” Jack pleaded.

“Perhaps his death let you go onto greater things.” O’Neill stiffened at that, he couldn’t possibly know about the Stargate. Jack almost missed what the priest said next. “… I imagine your son would want you to succeed.”

“Yeah, I guess so Father,” Jack sighed. The colonel’s faith was diminishing slightly. Yet, it was a comfort to let it all out knowing that the priest could never tell anyone about him. The strong, elderly, knowledgeable voice came back to him.

“My son, God chooses who needs to come and who needs to stay, but take pride in your son’s sacrifice. He has become apart of a higher, more holy, and nobler thing than we mortals could ever do.”

“Really…?” he said sadly to himself.

“What was that my son?”

“Nothing Father, I’m glad I have had the time to confess to you.”

“May God forgive your sins and those of others, amen.”

“Amen,” Jack concluded and left the ‘stall.’ He looked at his candles still burning in their placeholders and a single tear rolled down his face. He carefully wiped it away; it wouldn’t do to show weakness in a house of God. Jack turned tail on the altar and left the church.

Carefully, the colonel clambered back into his truck and retrieved his gun, which was usually strapped on him, but because it was a church, it thought it best to leave it in his car. Jack strapped it back on and took it out of its holster. He cradled it again, out of sight from anyone else. After a few moments he replaced it and drove away, back towards his own house.