Title: • feel like i'm alive •
Description: , thelover !
Ezra Caen - August 17, 2008 06:55 AM (GMT)
It was saturday night and Ezra Caen was locked in Derek Rowan's room like he had been the whole day. He hadn't spoken to anyone else in the house, even when they knocked and asked if he was okay. Okay well he did sort of talked to him, only to tell them to leave him the hell alone. They gave him space when they shouldn't have because he wanted it. He didn't venture out either except once to grab take-out he didn't really eat and to pay his dealer who stopped by. He looked a mess, with a tired expression in red puffy eyes and his attitude was more foul than usual. His hair was in a right unruly mess and didn't look showered. His hair never grew that fast so his face was smooth from stubble to free him from looking scruffy, but it made his miserable expression even more prominent. With his drug of choice for that night in tow, he had returned to the sanctum of Dee's room but only thise time did he forget to lock the door this time. No one bothered him still however. He had surrounded himself with everything Derek. He had had on Dee's t.v. to some classic movie channel and Roman Holliday was playing across the screen. As he had curled up in a shelter of Dee scented sheets and a comforter, he watched Audrey Hepburn fall in love. It twisted up something inside of him. He didn't think he'd ever cried so much over something so stupid in his life.
Heroin. He wanted to feel better and he could vaguely remember the feeling euphoria he had got when he had shot up. It was so long ago because he had been trying to cut back but heroin even before getting together with Dee he had been trying to diminish his addiction. By now though he was mostly just doing ecstacy and a few other drugs and pot from time to time. But this odd dependence he had Derek to keep him relatively stable was astonishing. He wasn't even supposed to be gone that long but already he was having a complete mental breakdown. What the fuck was up with that? He didn't even know and didn't really care. He was just wrapped up in what he was feeling or wanting not to feel. All in all, his opiate tolerance was down and it should have been a sign to avoid this shit but he really wasn't thinking clearly. Plus little did he know the purity of the pack of white powder he had purchased. He cooked it on the floor so he wouldn't mess up Derek's lovely bed, he could hardly remember the last time he slept on his own matress in his room since moving in with Derek and Guy and his girlfriend. When that was done, he sucked up the liquidfied drug into his own little syringe. It was then that he hopped on the bed again and wrapped a piece of rubbed around his upper right arm. He held it tight with his teeth and got a vein to be more visible near the bend. After he injected it, he fell back and almost immediately the sense of euphoria enveloped him.
It was only for a mere few minutes when everything went wrong. As he lay there staying up at the ceiling in a daze, he suddenly had trouble breathing and he began to sweat a little. He started to feel the effects of withdraw even though he had taken the drug. He felt the euphoria no longer. He knew something was wrong and he found himself reaching for his cell phone and calling a familiar number, Derek Rowan's. He didn't answer of course and Ezra managed to leave a message. But as he did so he began to feel himself drift away. He knew he had felt this terrible sensation before just once, but it was so vague and in that moment could hardly think. He felt so tired and he could hardly breathe, eventually everything went black. His arm hung off the side and he lost grip of the mobile. It fell to the floor with a soft thud on the carpet. Ezra had just over dosed on a potentially lethal drug. It wasn't too long later that the young man was found by one of the roomies, most likely Guy and he was rushed to the hospital pumped with opioid antagonists to counter-act the Heroin. Ezra only briefly awoke to tubes all in his body and bright lights and the sterile smell of the hosptial. It was for a few minutes before he drifted to sleep this time alive but not well at all.
Derek Rowan - August 17, 2008 07:33 AM (GMT)
Derek had left what, Wednesday night and he was expecting just, you know, the normal few days away from Oakland. Even if he really didn't want to leave Ezra alone for these few days. He was always a bit paranoid around the other male, and mostly because of that little frequent drug use that Ezzy always seemed to be involved in. It wasn't as bad as it used to be, but there were still those days where he'd have to deal with a high as fuck boyfriend and all he could do was be there. But he needed to see Louise badly. She had been in a car accident and was busted and bruised, and something had gone wrong concerning the reason that she left Oakland in the first place. So off to Canada he went, leaving behind his love, promising him that he'd be back in just a few days and asking him to behave, of course saying that in a playful way as to not sound like some paranoid guy who really just wanted Ezra to be alive by he time he got home. That was his only worry. He knew that the chances of such a thing happening were like, slim to none, but still. But he got on that plane anyway, and spent three days with his baby mama. Most of it was spent in a hospital room, and only once did the doctors let Louise out of bed to go for a walk outside. Of course, this involved her being in a wheel chair and him pushing her around but it was better than nothing. Sunday came along, and he had to head home, so he said his goodbyes and she said she'd be seeing him soon. Why? Louise was going to be coming back to Oakland once her whole healing process was up and finished. Give it a week, tops.
Dee had kept his cell phone turned off the entire time, but while sitting in the airport waiting for the call to come up that the plane was leaving, he decided to turn the thing on and check his messages. There were a few from random people just saying hey, but there was one there that just didn't fit that usual mode. Ezra. Fuck. Derek listened to the message, and immediately he could feel his heart start racing as panic settled itself into his system. If he weren't in a public place right then and there, he probably would have started screaming like a stabbing victim and crying crazily. Instead, with shaky hands, he tried calling Ezra's cell. No answer. Shit. He then tried the home phone, and again, nothing. Where the fuck was everyone? Was Ezra okay? Shit, shit, shit. He tried calling all the numbers he could think of but no avail. It was after twenty minutes of this frantic behavior that the call was made for boarding. He turned his cell off, shoved it into his backpocket, and tried to breathe and not look like a schizo about to board a four hour flight across the country and down a little into another one. Bad movies playing on the plane wasn't helping, and at once he even tried pulling out his laptop to distract but you know what, that just didn't work either. He was pretty much screwed on this whole keeping his mind busy so he doesn't go insane part. At one point during the flight, probably somewhere above Iowa or somewhere like that, he went into one of the bathrooms and cried for a good fifteen minutes until there was nothing left in him. That and someone was yelling at him from the other side to hurry up. So he returned to his seat, and sat there for the next two hours and again, tried not to do this whole mental breakdown thing. Ezra had to be alive, right? Yes, he had to be. Derek would know if he wasn't, right? He'd have some sort of weird feeling in his gut. The only weird feeling there was this need to vomit up everything he'd eaten in the last week. And a further urge to cry like a baby.
Eventually they landed in Oakland, and he was pretty much the first person off the flight. Except then he had to wait for baggage to come along, and he almost wanted to pay someone to get his shit and deliver it to his house. Except no one would so he had to wait another fifteen minutes, which could be another fifteen minutes of Ezra laying cold and alone somewhere dying or already dead. His luggage soon came, and he grabbed it the second he saw it, and ran the fuck out of the airport. He hailed down a cab, and simply jumped in the back without bothering with the trunk. He gave the driver his address, and it was about fifteen minutes till they were pulled up in front of the house. He practically threw the money up front, and then hopped out, dragging his dufflebag behind him and just chucked it on the floor in the hallway and went to find Guy or Deanna to tell him where Ezra was. No one was home? What the fuck? Both probably had to work or something. Ugh. But he did find a note on the kitchen counter, telling him the lowdown in a few words. "Ezra OD'ed, he's at the hospital." and that was that. At the hospital meant he was alive. He was expecting to see "at the morgue". So now it was out of the house once again, into the car, and he basically sped through the city towards the hospital. Well, sped under the speeding limit 'cause no cops were stopping him further from getting to Ezra's side. Fuck that. He arrived at the hospital soon enough, and ran in, asking the receptionist where the hell Ezra could be. He didn't know how hospitals worked and where they put OD-ed people. She told him the floor where he'd be, and from there he'd have to ask the nurses for the room, so he ran for the elevators, and went straight upstairs. Then he almost basically yelled at the nurses for his boyfriends room number. He was freaking out a little, thanks. He was surprised they didn't get the guys in the white coats to come try to calm him down. He was lead to the room, then they left him be. He slowly walked in, peeking around the corner to his lovers still body. Oh my god, was he dead? Wait, no, that beeping from the machines meant he was still alive, right? He'd seen those machine things on TV, and the lines all moving and not being flat meant he was still going. Thank fucking god. He flopped himself onto the chair at the side of the bed, staring over to Ezra. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was only gone a few days. What the fuck went wrong?
Ezra Caen - August 20, 2008 03:24 AM (GMT)
Ezra wasn't sure if he was dreaming or if he was dead. It was of course the former, but his dreams were filled with real possibilities that it kind of scared him. There was dream that if he remembered when he woke might leave him disturbed. It was like he was having an out of body experience then he realized maybe he was dead and he was some sort of spirit or it was his soul that was standing in that room. All he knew was that he was standing in the corner as he watched a seemingly happy Derek with someone who wasn't him. What did that mean? He didn't recognize the other person, they seemed almost shadowed as if he wasn't allowed or that it didn't matter. It didn't really, he was so focused on Derek. He wanted to scream at him, say a variety of different things all at the same time but feeling as if he didn't know where to start. He approached hesitantly, but no one noticed him. He was completely invisible. Dee was kissing this other person and Ezra felt sick and angry and uber emotional. He suddenly sprinted forward as if maybe to attack but he fell forward and kept falling into nothing. It was all dark and he didn't know where he was. It felt as if he was falling forever then there was a soft bright light ahead. But instead of falling into anything, his lids opened very slowly to a blurry bright world. Where the fuck was he again?
Ezra noticed first a faint beeping sound from time to time. What was that? It took him a while of just laying their with half-lidded eyes to remember that he was in a hospital and even a little longer to remember how he got there. Had he really over dosed? His mind was blank for a few seconds, then, I'm going to kill that fucking dealer. He had been a new guy actually, like his usual guy's cousin or some shit. Well he had been an idiot or fucking douche to give him such pure heroin. Though he knew deep down it was hi own fault for buying it and using it. Why had he done that? Oh yeah, because he wanted to feel better to feel good like he does when Derek is around. Dee was like his drug and having him around made it easier to reduce his usage. He wasn't sure why he had such a breakdown without him around, it was so messed up but it at least definitely showed how much he loved his boyfriend. That was another thing that scared him a little. A few minutes passed and he really felt how weak he was. It was like he was completely drained or maybe had been beaten to exhaustion, either one. He closed his eyes again and wanted to will himself asleep again but then he did remember the dream he just had. His eyes flew open again and he heaved a heavy sigh. He didn't want to sleep for fear of nightmares but he was so tired still. All he could think was, this fucking sucks. And not in the good way either.
Ezra suddenly felt like he wasn't alone and he moved his head a little, his eyes wandering till the landed on someone he didn't expect to see so soon. His heart sped up and as did the machine montering his heart. It was Derek sitting there beside his hospital bed. Just the sight of him made his eyes water and he felt his chest tighten. He felt like such an idiot especially as he noticed the complete worry on Dee's face. He looked so upset and he knew that he caused it. He moved his hand a little wanting to reach out and touch him, but he had all these wires and tubes attached to him so he left it laying limp beside his body. Instead he tried to speak, but he was having difficulty. So he swallowed a few times and tried again, "Derek." It was said in a slight rouch voice but it was clearly audible. Just saying his name though started the water works, letting tears spill down his cheeks. "I'm sorry..." this whispered but he was sure Derek heard. He overflowed with emotion and he felt like such a fucking girl, but he didn't care then as he might have before. He shifted a little and cried and mumbled Derek's name several times, wishing he could get up and wrap his arms around his lover and best friend. He repeated appologies and the other's name not knowing what else to say. He closed his eyes and sobbed.
Derek Rowan - August 23, 2008 01:46 AM (GMT)
Whatever Ezra was dreaming up was a complete crock of bull. As far as Derek was concerned, Ezra was that light at the end of the tunnel and that whole forever kind of deal. He wouldn't so easily find someone else, especially not if his boyfriend had died of all things. A simple breakup, one that was bitter and not all that nice, sure he'd be able to move on from that. As sad as that might sound and how impossible it is too 'cause we all know these two are going to last as long as nature and fate will allow. But the thing was that he adored Ezra too much, loved him with every inch of him, and he could never be happy with anyone else. The mere idea was fucking impossible. If Ezzy died, then a part of him would die along with that. It would take a lot to make him be normal once again, live a fine life and be happy with whoever was there to share it with him. So Ezra had to wake up, that was the only solution. He had to wake up and live a long, healthy life with Derek on his side. He wasn't allowed to die today, and he wasn't allowed to die ever. That was the only thing that was on Derek's mind, even as he continued to watch that heart monitor beep. It said that he was still alive, and that enough made him happier than anyone could ever know. Even if he was passed out over there on that bed and looking like shit. The second that heart monitor went flat would be the second that his own heart would fail. But there the squiggly lines were, moving up and down the screen and he couldn't tear his eyes away. It was like he was thinking as if by staring at it, it would keep going just like that. If only that could be true but then again, if he looked away, Ezra could die. So maybe he should just continue sitting here as he was. Yes, good plan. Except it was one that wasn't going to last very long.
He thought he heard a loud, heavy sigh. His gaze switched from the monitor to the sleeping figure on the bed, except it wasn't sleeping anymore. Ezra was awake. Derek could feel his own chest tighten in relief, and behind his eyes, he could feel that slight tension and burning of tears wanting to spill. Tears of fucking happiness. Tears of the best kind out there. He rose from the chair that he was in, and moved it along with himself as he went closer to the bed, right up to the side. What he really wanted to do was just hop on in the bed and curl up next to his love, but he was afraid that the doctors wouldn't like that very much. So instead he just moved the chair with him, and went as close as he could without having his long legs smushed by the side of the mattress. Not that he'd care much either way. "Hey baby," he breathed out, his voice gentle and quiet. When Ezra started crying then, apologizing profoundly and such, Dee could feel tears of his own spilling down his cheeks. "Shh, it's okay, shh, stop crying baby it's okay," he murmured softly, brushing the tears off of Ezra's cheeks with his thumb. "You're okay. It's okay." He pressed his lips gently to Ezra's then, just a soft and small kiss, showing him with one simple gesture that he was there and he forgave him for this. He still loved the other male so much, even if he had done something incredibly stupid like overdosing on heroin. It was still something that he was willing to forgive for because it would take a lot more than this to have Derek hate him, even if just a little bit. But even then, he'd still love him more than life itself.