Ugh. This is making me sick. Wait a few days...

Its good continue

Just modified it...

Ooh, good one. It's slightly thin on characterization, but it's good for a first story.

Just one thing, you accidentaly wrote 'Blue thruster gear' instead of 'Red Thruster gear'.

From how I see it, it doesn't seem like a mistake.

Very interesting...

Kyra, in case none of you know, (which you probably don't) sort of likes Artha. In this fan fiction, there is going to be a slight twist in the fate of all the main characters. One major thing is going to be Decepshun's new status. The dragon is going to be sort of changed, so be warned.

Ha-ha! Now for Chapter 2!

Chapter 2: Dragon Human Being

Word Paynn stood in his compound, staring at a screen of Kara, Artha, and his friends with great dislike. His grey eyes focused intently on Kara and Artha, who were riding to the Dragon Temple. The dragon claws tapped the control panel irritably. Starting a Dragon-Human War was no easy task, especially when a certain hero kept interfering with the plans. ‘He’s always got to come out the crucial moment in all my operations,’ he thought. ‘My own son, however, can’t even defeat the hero to get the piece I need for all my plans to be complete.’

Moordryd walked into the room, looking at the ground somewhat sheepishly. Word turned around and saw nothing in his possession. Cain cowered behind Moordryd, looking at him questioningly. His companion, however, was looking at his father with a strange mixture of hatefulness and dark frustration. Word walked over to Moordryd and looked him in the eye. “Why, Moordryd,” he asked with deadly calm, “is it when I ask you to take one simple thing, you can’t even beat the Penn brat to get it?” He stared at his son with intense fury.

“He was so strong!” Cain burst out, ignoring Moordryd’s acid look.

“SHUT UP, Cain,” Moordryd snapped. He met his father’s gaze. “He was really strong,” he admitted bitterly. “I couldn’t even get close to her; much less take her from the stable brat.”

“I don’t want to hear another word,” his father replied. “Come over here, Moordryd. I have something I want to show you.” He gestured over to the computer screen which showed a map of Dragon City and all the outside cities. Among those were Sun City, Thunder City, Dark City, and many others. A large light blue dot appeared on the map in Dragon City. He pressed a button and the map became larger than the other cities.

Moordryd slumped over to his father’s side. Cain quietly slunk out of the room, knowing that this was his cue to leave the room. As he looked back, he could have sworn he saw Moordryd mimicking his father.

“I have been picking up some very strange readings near the old Dragon Temple in Dragon City,” Word explained to his son, who appeared to be listening intently. “It appears that there is a light blue draconium dragon that is giving off these waves of energy. If this is indeed true, there could quite possibly be a light blue and gold dragon of legend within our midst. I need this dragon in order to create another chromatic dragon.”

Inwardly, Moordryd groaned. Just a couple months ago, his father had attempted and succeeded in creating an artificial black-and-gold dragon of legend. Just when everything was going in his favor, the Dragon Booster had foiled his plans and destroyed the bonemark that had been fused with a green Bull-class dragon named Brutaris. Brutaris belonged to the Down City Counsel leader himself, Phitus. He was the test subject for the artificial bonemark, and he was indeed a beast to behold.

“Father, the bonemark that you created a few months ago has been destroyed. You even told me if it was obliterated, you couldn’t make another one,” Moordryd told his ignorant father. “How are you going to succeed in this plan?” Even Moordryd was smart enough to realize that his father had no possible way to achieve his goal.

Word smiled. The boy was smart in his eyes. He had thought about the possibilities, and so far, none had come to mind. When he found out about the light blue draconium readings, though, a plan formulated in his mind. This was the riskiest plan yet, but he was positive that this one was going to work. “It’s actually quite simple,” he told his son. “We are going to need that dragon, and if we are lucky, we can get the Dragon Booster involved, as well.”

“What dragon is it?” his son asked, rather confused by his logic.

“The teal, Psi-class dragon named Thundyyr,” Word replied, smiling, “who belongs to Kara McPeyn.”

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

An agonizing yell emerged from the Dragon Temple as Kara was getting her leg examined by Mortis, the Dragon Priest. He was Artha and Lance’s father. Mortis was teaching Artha everything he knew about the ways of the dragon of legend and how to release his inner strength.

“What in the Magna Draconis happened to your leg, Kara?” he asked, looking at the bloodied leg, examining how bad the injury was. She had some minor scratches on her body, some around her face. Something was different about her presence. She seemed more mature, calmer, and more sincere.

“Moordryd ran into her during the race apparently,” Kitt told him. “He came by after the race, too. He said he had something to pick up. Then he charged straight for Kara.” She sounded concerned. None of this made sense to her. Then again, being on the race crew of Dragon City’s hero was confusing, too…

“Of all the dragon racers in the city, why her?” Artha asked. “Is there, like, some sort of bond between the two of us that he knows about and I don’t? Or is it one of those things that I’m not ready for?” A slight hint of anger crept into his tone. He wanted to kind of throw in Mortis’ face that he was still upset about the incident that happened between a mysterious man named Drakkus and the fact he almost got killed by him.

“Kara’s your sister,” his father replied quietly.

Not a sound could be heard in the temple. Artha felt as if he had been punched in the stomach. His sister. Now he understood why he had felt so strange around her all those times. It was like there was a connection between the two of them whenever they met. HOW? How was Kara his sister? His father had never told him any of this.

Clearly, the look of stunned realization was evident on the crew’s face. Kara was really shocked. “I… I don’t understand,” she stammered. “How did you know this? It’s not like you knew my father.”

Artha was just as perplexed. “Can we have some answers here?” he asked. Something weird was going on here.

Mortis nodded. The friends crowded around the Dragon Priest and sat, for all knew that another story was going to be told. No one could find the dragons, but they figured they were out getting something to eat. The race that day was difficult.

“Three thousand years ago, in the original Dragon-Human War, the Dragon Booster had help from a young girl known as the Dragon Rose,” Mortis began. “It was said that if she helped the Dragon Booster in the war, a truth would fall upon her shoulders that she would burden forever; that truth was about them being siblings. When she helped him, she began to fight alongside the dragons. Soon, the Dragon Rose began to grow dragon individuality. Eventually, she got the power that no one has achieved since her death.”

“What was this power?” Kitt asked, fascinated.

Mortis didn’t say anything for a long time. Then he finally spoke, his voice quiet. “The power that Artha must learn. He became a dragon-human being.”

Kara was now very confused. “A dragon-human being?” she questioned.

Mortis nodded. “Yes,” he continued. “A dragon-human being has lots of dragon characteristics, as well as human qualities. The original Dragon Booster is the only known person to transform into a dragon-human being recorded, although recent cross-examinations have shown that the sister also transformed into one once or twice. That reminds me of something. You’ve been meaning to get this for quite some time, Kara. It’s for you.”

He picked up a light blue gauntlet and blue rose-like amulet. Kara picked them up and examined them. “This is for you,” he repeated. “You are the Dragon Booster’s sister, which means you have the power of light blue draconium. Also, you may also be able to unlock the power within you; but only if you believe you truly can.”

Artha walked over to Kara, looking at her with a look of happiness and shock. “Wow. My sister, standing right here with me. I don’t know what to say,” he said and hugged her tightly.

“I wish we could keep this up,” the mentor cut in. “But it appears that Word Paynn is trying to create another chromatic dragon. Apparently, he has discovered that his fellow companions have created liquid draconium of all types. All he will need are these vials, and he may finish the chromatic dragon by tonight.”

Parm frowned. “But that can’t happen,” he objected. “You said that he couldn’t conjure up another artificial bonemark.”

“I know,” Mortis replied heavily, “but if Word somehow manages to get the vials, Dragon City will lose a dragon, and that dragon will be changed forever.”

“Well, we have to do something!” Kitt exclaimed. “If Word does manage to create another dragon, then all hell is going to break loose in Dragon City. Is there any possible way that we can get the liquid draconium that he’s created?” Something was out of place here.

Mortis nodded gravely. “If you can get the vials, then you could put a halt on his evil plans,” he confirmed. “I suggest you hurry. Kara knows the quickest way to get them. She has been there many times.” He looked at the girl. “You know what to do.”

Kara nodded and went out the door. She was about to walk to Thundyyr when she realized one thing. “What the…” she muttered. “Oh, my god! They’re gone! Artha! Beau and Thundyyr are gone!”

Artha gasped. He realized that the girl was correct in her assumptions. He rushed outside to see his sister crying and shaking. He had one person in mind of who would do such a thing. “Oh, man! I’m going to kill you, Paynn, even if it’s the last thing I do!” he screamed at the top of his lungs, hugging a now inconsolable Kara.

.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Please read and review! Would adore feedback!

Right. I saw Silver reviewed and I checked it. Since then been meaning to read your work.

For the most part good grammer, formatting, etc. You're not doing line after line of dialogue without description. There's a sence of suroundings and the like. Overall, you have the makings of a good writer.

However, as I said, the fact Silver left a positive review is why I started to read this.

Started.

I tried to read it at least, my brain froze by the end of the first scene but held on long enough for me to read a bit further before turning off completely.

Why hadn't you been called out on this...Mary Sue?

The only two reasons I can fanthom (or perhaps you prefer phantom?) is because you do not have a fanfic header, or that Silver was blinded by your admittedly good writing skills.

I belive that you deserve to know that you are writing a Sue (since sometimes we authors may not realize what we are doing) so that you may correct yourself. It is your first fanfic, and a very well done one, so I give you the benefit of the doubt.

The lack of a header is why I am stopping my review aproximetly here, and not going into the whys (Why it is a a Sue, and why that's bad), the hows (How I knew it, and how to fix it) and otherwise ripping into you (though the good grammer, formattering, et cetera does remove a great deal of ammo).


EDIT:

Oh, and it should probably be NícPeyn or NíPeyn, or O', you can use a regular "i" though). NOT McPeyn, Mac/Mc means 'son of' Níc/Ní means daughter of. O' is general desendant.

:lol: I was about to mention about the Sue thingy in this post. But, oh well... ;)

But one thing I do notice in your fic is this "dragon-human being". Is this "dragon-human being" refers to an/a anthropomorphic/humanoid dragon? Just curious. :D

Oh, and keep on updating. :)

Great story. And since I think your style of writing and plot is pretty good, I can read without being too overwhelmed by the sue. Just try not to make her any more special. Then I would be overwhelmed by her sueishness. :P

This looks promising, update soon! :cookie:

Ha-ha. Thanks! Don't worry. She willl not have any more quallities. Trust me on this...