Well, here you go yall:

The Ancient Ones

Chapter 1

“Lance stop playing with your VIDD game and help me load up this gear.” said Artha with some annoyance.
“OK, ok fine geese sorry.” Lance said while putting his VIDD game away. As Lance and Artha were loading up the gear in the dragtrailer, Kitt walked up to them and said,
“Mortis wants to see all of us right away, he says it crucial that you come immediately.” Both Lance and Artha exchanged glances at the news. When all three of them and their dragons, Wyldfyr, Beau, and Fracshun came down to the temple, Parm and Cyrano were already down there.
“So, what’s wrong Mortis?” asked Kitt
“Does it have to do with Word Paynn?” added Artha.
“Yes, I have just been informed that another bone mark has been found, It’s the Orange bone mark,” said Mortis
“Word Paynn is trying to make the ultimate Prophet dragon to start a dragon-human war.” Everybody exchanged looks.
“Well then we’ll just have to get it before he does.” said Artha encouragingly “It won’t be that easy Artha, this bone mark is located in the wastelands under the city and the temple itself is infiltrated with deadly traps.” Artha sighed heavily trying to think what he and his team could do.
“Hay I have an idea, why don’t we just asked some of the other down city crew members to help us, uh trustworthy members.” Artha said sheepishly.
“Hummm maybe but you will have to go as the dragon booster.” said Mortis.
“Well yah who would believe the Penn Racing Team.” said Kitt with a smile on her face.
“Let’s go team!” said everybody in unison.
“An Orange bone mark? you have got to be kidding me!?” said Phistus “No I’m not joking around if anyone wants to not have a dragon human war than come with me, if not than I’m just wasting my time asking you guys, now are you me or not?” asked the Dragon Booster with the Penn Crew behind him
“I’ll go” said Phistus, leader of the Grip of the Dragon Crew.
“yah us to” said Pyrrah, leader of the Dragon Flares, and Wulph, leader of the Army of the Dragon.
“Ok good thank you for volunteering” said the Dragon Booster.


Chapter 2

By the time they arrived at the pipes leading down to the wastelands, it was very dark outside. There were about five pipes each leading to a different spot of the wastelands.
“ Ok everybody pick a pipe to go down, does everybody have their ski gear?” Dragon Booster asked everybody and they nodded
“ok on the count of three we all jump in to the pipes, 1, 2, 3 now!” at that queue everybody jumped in their own pipe and activated their ski gear. Fracshun, Cyrano, and Wyldfyr’s ski gear was working but Beau’s wasn’t.
“What the, why won’t this work ahhhhhhh!!!!”
Meanwhile, back to the rest of the Penn Crew,
“Hey where’s Artha and Beau?” Then they all heard a scream from the pipe they just came from and then Artha and Beau flu out of the pipe upside down. Beau was saved by a rock, but Artha flipped right over it and landed in pile of junk.
“Artha are you ok?” asked Parm with a concerned look.
“Parm what do you think, first my ski gear didn’t work, second I landed in a pile of junk, and third Beau and I are too dizzy to stand, but besides that we are absolutely fine.”
Artha said with a smile of sarcasim and Beau did a little chuckle. “Well we better get going and look for that bone mark.” said Kitt.
It wasn’t until morning that they had found the temple of the Orange bone mark.
“Finally we found it, I think we should take a break though, Fracshun’s exhausted.” said Lance
“yah I agree Cyrano is most definitely tired.” said Parm. While the Penn crew rested, the other crews left because something scared them off, something big.
“Whoa, I think I slept in too long, what time is it anyway?” yawned Artha.
“Thank you for waking up finally!” yelled Kitt.
“Well since your up I guess we should go into the temple.”
“Yah lets do it.” said Artha. All of them went into the temple and found huge footprints bigger than that of Libris’s footprint.
“I have a very bad feeling about this guys so be careful, Mortis said that this place was infiltrated with booby traps.” said Artha
“Yah but he didn’t say anything about giant footprints.” Lance pointed out
“They could belong to Word’s dragon, Abanddonn.” Kitt asked “No way they are way too big for Abanddonn.” said Parm. “Hopefully we won’t run into any tra..” CLICK
“O no that can’t be good” said Kitt
“ who made that click?” Everyone looked at Lance
“Whoops.” he said. Then about 6 vents opened and hot lava came after them
“RUN!!!!”


Chapter 3

All of them were running as fast as they could but Cyrano started to slow down.
“O no Cyrano isn’t meant for running fast.” Parm said then Kitt slowed down Wyldfyr to Cyrano’s speed,
“Here take these thrusters” Kitt said as Wyldfyr magged the thrusters off her and put them on Cyrano. Kitt smiled then pressed her button and there were off, Cyrano was going so fast that he even past Artha.
The hot lava was catching up quickly but Artha had an idea. “Hurry keep going.”
“But what about you?” Kitt asked
“Don’t worry I have an idea.” Artha started to slow Beau down and then he told Beau to mag the side of the cave walls, where there was loose rocks. The rocks came tumbling down which temporarily stopped the lava.
“Yes it worked, for now.” said Artha
“You did it yeah!” cheered Lance.
“Yah but it won’t last for long.”
They continued on while their dragons got a breather, but before they could relax they found fresh prints of that huge dragon. They came upon an open space with little holes in the sides of the walls.
“I think I should go first.” said Artha
“No, you can’t your the dragon booster you shouldn’t go.” Kitt said “Please don’t go Artha, please don’t go.” Lance begged
“Don’t worry Lance, Beau and I will be alright.” Artha encouragingly said to his little brother with a smile.
He and Beau started walking and everything was so far so good until, CLICK....
“O scales” said Artha. Than there was a whistling sound behind him.
“Go boy go!” yelled Artha then Beau started running full blast. luckily his shield appeared right before the arrows started coming from all directions.
“All right Beau!”
“WOW, you were going soo fast Artha!” exclaimed Lance.
“Yah you went over 200 mph, that was incredible! said Parm
“Hey did any arrows get you?” asked Kitt with some concern “Nope not one arrow got me or Beau.” said Artha.
“I think we should start going now before we run into anything we can’t handle.” said Artha.
As they were walking along they had finally found what they were looking for, the Orange bonemark.
“Yes we found it and before Word Paynn.” But as they were about to take another step a huge black and red dragon stepped in front of them and said, “You shall not pass, the orange bonemark is mine, surrender now or die.”
“No, it’s ours.” yelled Artha
“Fine, than die!” The creature said and at that moment he fired a mag stream at Artha and Beau.
“Lance go and hide, me and Parm will hold this guy off.” Kitt said “Gulp, we will?” asked Parm
Beau rushed towards the giant dragon and hit him on the side, which surprisingly knocked him off balance and knocked the bonemark out of the dragons gigantic claw. Kitt had caught the bone mark just before it fell to the ground.
“Everybody magburst now!” yelled Artha, all the dragons got charged up then magblasted the monster, which temporarily knocked him out.
“Beau what’s wrong.” Asked Artha when his dragon almost collapsed from exhaustion
“looks like that mag stream drained his energy.” Said Kitt
“No its the bonemark, if it gets near him it drains his energy.”

Chapter 4

“Uh guys it’s waking!” Said Parm pointing at the black and red winged dragon.
“Yeah, but this is worse.” Looking at the loose rocks where the lava was creeping through.
“Where do you think is outside of these walls Parm?” Asked Artha “Well, according to my calculations, we are right by the black draconium pyramid that turned you into a wraith.” Said Parm.
“Do you still have your bashing gear ?” Asked Artha
“Yes of course I do.” said Parm.
“Then why don’t you use it professor?” asked Kitt Cyrano smiled.
Cyrano then ran through the wall and made an enormous hole.
“You shall not escape, the Propherox is mine and mine alone.” said the Dragon.
“Everybody head to the pyramid.” yelled Artha.
They all went over to the pyramid.
“Hope it doesn’t lock us in here.” Lance said.
“I sure hope that dragon doesn’t come in here with us too.” said Parm worriedly.

Chapter 5

“Don’t worry guys the only reason we could get trapped in here is if Word had his same control that triggered the black draconium.” Artha said.
“Hope your right.” Parm said.
“Rugghhhh, arghhh.” yelled Beau.
“Beau, what’s the matter with him Parm?” asked Artha while reassuring Beau by petting his head.
“I’m not sure, wait do you still have the Propherox Kitt?” asked Parm while punching buttons in is dragcalculator.
“Uhh, yah but I put it way over across the pyramid.” said Kitt questioningly.
“Well we should get back to the stables before Beau becomes too weak to even walk.” added Artha. He pulled of the amulet and changed back into himself. Beau turned into his red and blue form.
“I wonder where that winged dragon came from?” asked Lance.
“Yah, I’ve never seen a dragon with wings before,” Kitt pointed out.
“And how did it know what the bonemark’s name was, Conner didn’t even know.” Parm added. While everybody was discussing questions, Artha had to say,
“Are we going back or what?” asked Artha with some frustration

I'm going to be blunt. Of course when I started reading I was hopeful. This is of course normal, thusly my reading of your work of fiction was mostly neurtal, and the rest positive.

My first reaction: No.

No not as in "Oh no!" or "No she isn't doing that!" But No as in No as in No I'm not going to read this, No this is not done well.

But, Not No I was wrong about my hopes, because despite some issues, there is hope.

I'm also going to read it, some of it, so I can put up here what's wrong and how to correct the most glaring issues.


Firstly, you seem to have fallen into the trap of he said she said. You do not need to indicate who said everything especially in the same format, over and over again, and especially not in a two person conversation. Guess who says the last line in my demonstration.

Also, your prose is sparse, this is acceptable, however there should be more. The Dragtrailer, why were they pulling it. From the scene I can choose to extrapolate that they are cleaning up after a race, going to a race, or cleaning up the stables. Possibly more if I put my mind to it. I like describing things, purple prose is a closer enemy than scarcity of prose for me so I'm not one to offer advice. Check out one of Sarah Frost's fics as she's light but strong in her descriptions

You do at least separate people speaking into different paragraphs, it is a boon to you. However in this above sentence you wrote there should be a comma. If a sentence ends inside quotes it gets a period and another sentence can begin, however, even if the sentence ends with an exclamation point right before the quote closes any and all sentence ending punctuation is turned into a comma.

You can also break up spoken sentences even if there wouldn't be an ending punctuation mark there. If spoken word occurs inside a sentence there should be a comma preceding the quotation marks. I may be incorrect about the next part but if a spoken sentence gets broken up between two written sentences then the first word inside the second set of quotes should remain lowercase.

Ergo

This brings us to the next issue. You have mastered the use of full-stops, young padawan, as evidenced by your knowledge of the enter key. However, you do not know of their true power. The enter key is a great boon to the people of the galaxy and not to be abused, yet not using it can be equally as dangerous. Observe my demonstration and conduct throughout, padawan. For I do not strike the key once, but rather tap it twice to separate the text further so that the Light may come through. Indentations are a foreign thing in this electrically based land so they have been replaced in the name of clarity. Padawan, always remember the dark block, the evil wall of text is your enemy, but do not confuse a well constructed paragraph for your foe. Your spell-checker can aide you; but not light the way for it is what is within that forms the fic-force that all fandom is connected to--use it, padawan, to purify the evil wank-force and remember, it only works if you have it with you and turn it on. When in doubt think of Strunk and White and ask what they would do. Perhaps their guidance will come to you in a small concise bound form costing only $9.95.

Perhaps we shall continue your education at a later date.

Yup; what Nemi said. :) The idea seems decent, but the execution could be improved. But please don't use me as an example--my prose is often too sparse, and you seem to share my weakness. Aim for a balance between description and action. Try to use adjectives (fishbone-white soil, sandpaper-rough gear, golden light, bright tears, sallow skin), adverbs (running quickly, saying pleadingly, ticking ominously), metaphors ("the moon was a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy seas", or even Nemi's address to you as a Padawan), similes ("the moon was like a cold dragon's eye staring over the landscape"). Think about how something looks, what the characters are experiencing, and what might stand out to them. Also consider character introspection--do they have any inner problems or personal thoughts about what's going on? ("Scales. This is bad, Artha thought, but he tried to keep a brave face as he replied to Lance's question.") That might also help you to slow down and describe what's happening in a scene, so that we can digest it and fully understand it. You're overweighted with dialogue, underweighted with description, and are generally moving a bit too fast. (For example, how do they know it's called the "Propherox"? And the quick scene changes are also distracting. Slow down!)

In your first "chapter" (chapters are, to me, at least 500 words on average), you immediately transition from Penn Racing having a conversation to a crew conference. This isn't clear; you could put in a divider (--), or put a sentence to explain it: "In scarcely half an hour, they had made it to the Council chambers, where Phistus and a few other leaders were discussing the new feed tax." Try to say more things by narration than by dialogue; think about what dialogue's necessary and what seems clumsy and repetitive ("1, 2, 3, go" in dialogue might be replaced by "Artha gave them the cue, and they leaped down the holes, first Kitt and then Lance and then Parm, and a moment later Artha joined them, skidding down the narrowing pipe."

For commas, try reading your work aloud and see where you naturally break in your speech. You seem to have some grasp of the fundmentals of grammar, so I recommend you proofread your work before posting, and possibly try to get someone with a better grasp on the English language to help edit it. Try waiting a day or two between writing and posting, or changing the font to make sure you're reading what you actually wrote rather than what was in your head. Capitalise all sentences and only capitalise the start of sentences and proper nouns (names and the like). Be wary of your use of slang like "yah", and spell "okay" consistently. I get the impression you've got the ability; you're just not making full use of it.

Good luck with the story. :)

Thank you Sarah Frost and Nemi, I will try and improve my writing, thanks again yall! :flare: