I would just like to say pay no attention to the terrible grammar in this story. Just comment on the Plot and stuff like that.

The Aurox

Prolouge
Word stared at the camera in a state of shock. After all the years of searching, after all the years of dead ends, he had finally found it. Soon, it would be in his possesion, soon the war would start, soon he would rule everything.

Chapter 1
"Come on Artha. Quit fooling around." Parm yelled in the Viddscreen.
" Relax Parm. Im in first place and the finish line is right there" Artha replied cooly. " Is that why Moordryd is right behind you?"
"What Artha yelled in shock". He turnred around just in time to see a steel ball smash into Beaus behind. A sneering Moordryd zoomed past Beau and crossed the finsh line. Wyldfire and Hyve also passed Beau.
"Last place again Artha. Thats the third race where youve lost a lead" chided Parm. Artha just grimaced and dismounted Beau. Beau was inspecting the mark on his but. " Im sorry Parm" Artha replied.
" Well at any rate Mortis needs to see you. He said it was urgent".

Chapter 2
" Artha" boomed Mortis. " Ive been been keeping tabs on some of Words wraith dragons. Apparently, one of them has discovered the location of a bonemark named the aurox. The Aurox is the most dangerous of all bonemarks. It contains the spirit
Im runing out of time, this is only haLFWAY DONE. Ill post the rest tommorrow.

Okay. :)

All right, the basic set up has a pretty 'canon' feel to it--new dangerous bonemark, a bit of racing. It's still far too short to really qualify as a 'story'. (A drabble, yeah, but that's self-contained.)

I apologise if you have personal issues concerning this, but why is it so important to you to post this fragment today rather than wait a little while and post a better version tomorrow? Armageddon (Revelations version) isn't on its way, I promise, and there's not a mass exodus of the forum going on as far as I know.

If you want to write fanfiction, I advise you to attempt to do it well unless you care nothing at all for what people think about it. (And if you didn't care to hear people's opinions on it, I doubt you'd be posting online.) There's no rush. Write at least 500 words in TextEdit or Word or whatever word processor you have access to, save it, go for a long walk with your dog (or equivalent), get some sleep, return to it the next day, read it through, and then post. (Even if you only have computer access at certain times at school or the library or whatever, try using floppy discs or emailing incomplete work to yourself so that you can resume it later.) It tends to improve quality quite stunningly, and get you much better reviews.

This is still too short; try to expand on some scenes a bit more, putting in more dialogue and setting descriptions. A "chapter" should usually be at least 500 words. What you've got here is a few short scenes. It's not a bad idea at all, but it needs work. At the moment it looks like you've just dribbled the words onto the page, and I think you could do better (especially since you've come up with a plot that sounds pretty close to an actual episode and the characters seem IC, from what I can tell from what there is of it, which as I said isn't much).

it's kind of good but i think you should try to combine chapter one and two, because chapter one is a little bit too short
but i would like to see some more of this story soon



---->

Sarah Frost, im taking your advice.
Chaper 2 (cont.)
" Artha, the bonemark word has discovered is potentially the most dangerous one out there. It contains the spirit of a brown draconium dragon named Jaggiris. In his time, Jaggiris rebbelled against the brown draconium empire and became a dangerous threat to the dragon booster. Near the end of the war, Jaggiris was outfitted with a new kind of gear called Black Draconium amplification gear. This gear permantly attaches to a dragon and nearly doubles his/her power.Thankfully only one was made. Already, the Dragon booster couldn't defeat Jaggiris. After that, it became impossible. So, to defeat him, the dragon priests helped the dragon booster trick Jaggiris into getting near the Muhorta. In his desire to kill the Dragon Booster, Jaggirirs didn't notice until too late. Even after being drained by the Muhorta, the Black Amplification gear was only shut off temporarily. But that was enough. The dragon booster defeated Jaggiris and sealed him away inside a bonemark, The Aurox," Mortis explained.
"What do I do Mortis?" Artha asked, suddenly scared, "How do I fight this thing."
" You can't" replied Mortis, " You don't have enough experience. The most you can do is stop Word from getting it. Round up your friends and go quickly Artha. Time is of the essence. When you get to the wastelands, go 50 dragon paces to the north and 50 to the west. Oh, and Artha, don't take the bonemark out of its container. Even you won't be able to resist it. GO NOW!"

Back to Word Paynn at about the time Mortis calls Artha.
Word paced nervously across the room. Oh what to do, what to do he thought. He couldn't send that idiot son of his to retrieve the bonemark. He couldn't send wraiths either. It would be to dangerous to manipulate a crew member into getting the bonemark for him too.Then it came to him. When Word entered the stable, the huge horned dragon looked up with a gleam of anticipation in his eyes.

Double posting is against the rules, which clearly you need to read.

It's nice it's getting longer. :)

I think the name of the bone mark is the same name of the dragon--the mark's 'attached' to the dragon, like Beau's star mark I think. I'm sure the Furox is mentioned as being both the name of the dragon the DB fought and the name of the bone mark.

Mortis' expository lump is a bit long, and 'his/her' isn't something people actually say--one can't pronounce '/' (though one can pronounce 'slash' or 'or'). Of course, I don't think it's much longer than some speeches he's been given in canon, but in text you might want to break a bit of it up (Artha interjecting, Mortis tapping his staff on the ground, pauses and so on) or even not reveal all the information at once. And try to pretty it up a bit; it sounds more like a dry textbook than an exciting story.

You also shouldn't need to introduce scene breaks with in-text authors' notes ("Back to Word Paynn at about the time Mortis calls Artha."). Try a simple page divisor like '--' and introduce the changed setting with narration like "Inside the Citadel, Word Paynn was not in the most content of moods..."

The plot is something I can easily imagine seeing in canon, and that's a good thing. :)

Ok people if you want more, post that you want more.Thanks for the tips Sarah Frost, if atleast 2 more people want me to write the fic completely then ill post more.

Maybe you don't realise . . . but that is a disgusting thing to say. Why are you writing? Because it's fun, or because you want attention? I never review people with an Author's Note like "Ten people have to review this or else I won't finish it!"

I won't be threatened into petting an author's ego. Don't fall into that trap, okay? :)

Thanks for that tip Lighning Flash. I will go ahead and finish this fic. pretty soon.