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On a cold winters winter's night comma all was silent as the Dragon City rescue team tries Brief lesson in tenses. Past tense: He WAS angry yesterday. The event HAPPENED ten years ago. She RAN down the street last week. My dog TRIED to bite my neighbour a month ago. Present tense: He IS angry right now. It HAPPENS now. She RUNS through the street. My dog TRIES to bite my neighbour as he TRIES to shake it from his trousers. See the difference? If not, take an emergency grammar class. In a story, you should generally use past tense unless you can articulate your specific artistic reason. And whatever you choose, you should keep it consistent. In other words, you should not be saying "All WAS silent...the rescue team TRIES". It makes as much sense as "He was angry as he tries to pull his shoe on". You're referring to two different time periods: the now, and the past. Stick to the past. to free the dragon racers from the collapsed track. Out of the ten racers only nine made it alive and among the racers was Zulay Pynn. Penn. Also, your sentence construction implies that she was among the racers who made it out alive yet your next few sentences imply that she died. Immediately after her body was recovered from the rubble her soul shot out of her body and started to head to Moordryd’s room. As she entered the dark room the small ball of light (her soul) If you feel the need to direct explanatory notes to the reader, unless you are Terry Pratchett your story is obviously not clear enough took the form of her self before her death. That's incredibly convenient. Is there any reasoning behind this other than "no icky-looking ghosts covered in their own blood and intestines please"? With a small sigh she entered the small four year old raven haired boy. Over the hours of the night the small boy’s hair starts Tense changing again to change color from that of raven’s feathers to a snow white color Redundancy Department of Redundancy, please. Also, watch the purple prose. Do they even HAVE ravens and snow in Dragon City?. Fog begins tense to roll out from his mouth curls I'm getting a really weird mental picture of curly hair sprouting out of his mouth at the ends of his snow white hair. If Moordryd's hair has turned white to match his mother's (which I'm assuming), then evidently Zulay was cheating on Word, because it is almost impossible for two fair-haired parents to produce a "raven-haired" child And at the same time others were affected also and obtained the same fait fate as he. Over The next five years Clumsy time-shifting here Moordryd started to notice he had strange powers and his father began to sense his son’s strange gifts. At the age of ten he fell off Abandonn’s head comma fell through his back and combines combined with the dragon as one. “Father what is happening to me!” Moordryd cries cried out How? If he's combined with the dragon, he cannot talk using dragon vocal cords as his father walks walked through the door to the dragon stables. “Abandonn comma is that you talking!?” Word shouted as if something had burned him. “No comma it’s me comma daddy” Moordryd replies comma starting I'm just going to give up on tense correction to sob loudly. You appear to be short on commas; I'll give you some for free. ,,,,,,,,,,, “No comma you can’t be my son!” Word snaps back at what he thinks are is, unless Abandonn somehow has a multiple personality or something, which isn't necessarily a bad idea as it probably counts as personality development his dragon, abandon Proper noun, capitalise; also, much as I hate to say it, abide by the canon's misspelling of the word, in that stable. “But it is me daddy, it’s me Moordryd comma I am in the dragon!” Moordryd cries comma trying to tell his father it is him. Second use of "cry" within four paragraphs; however, I am quite fond of your "whiny brat" characterisation of Moordryd. “Moordryd?” “Yes comma daddy?” “Oh god! How did this happen to you?” I am not so fond of the "concerned and considerate father" characterisation of Word, however. “I f..f..fffell off on Abandonn’s head and through hi…s…ssss back.” Pretty good rendition of stuttering here. “Ok comma calm down Moordryd calm down comma now the question is how to get you out of there.” ~12:00 at night~ Finally giving up after twenty accidental mag blasts, almost stepping on his father six times, horns caught on rafters in stables, and fourteen near hits with his tail they call it a night. Word decides to sleep in the stables with his son who tends to give off accidental mag blasts, because Word is suicidal; am not even going to touch the 'cest until sun rise. At 1:00 in the morning the dragon starts to glow as the fusion reverses in their sleep. Word woke up to a satisfying thud as Moordryd falls from the chest of the dragon. “Moordryd are you ok?” Word asks stumbling to his feet as he rushed to his son. Yeesh, tenses. “Daddy comma is that you?” Moordryd asks in a weak voice as Abandonn shakes his head like he suddenly woke up from a deep sleep. “Yes comma it is me comma Moordryd commaI’m here comma how did you get out?” Full stops are also helpful. Here are some for you: .......... “I do not know commanI fell a sleep asleep as Abandonn comma and then I woke up on the floor next to Abandonn.” “Come on comma lets let's; the apostrophe is an abbrevation for "let us" get you to bed comma how about that?” “Yes daddy.” ~sixteen years later Artha’s place~ “Dad comma Artha is stuck in the wall again,” chuckles the small freckled red head. “Again comma that is the twelfth time this week and don’t think that I have forgotten you frightening kitt Proper noun (noun that names a particular place or person); capitalise with your ghost powers.” Complained Conner. When the dialogue tag (he said, she yelled, it enunciated, etc) is placed just after speech, separate them with a comma as they are part of the same sentence. "This is what he said," he said. The "he said" is not a sentence in its own right, it belongs with what he actually said. “Sorry comma dad it is just I still have not gotten use used to these ghost powers yet.” Artha said comma trying to get loose from the wall surrounding his waist. Again, don't separate the dialogue tags. And I honestly don't understand how that stunt wouldn't destroy several of Artha's vital organs as well as separate his legs from his body. Not that I consider the mental image a bad one per se. “But you had them for twelve years comma how can you not get use used to them by know?” Connor asked comma using his ghost powers to pull Artha out of the wall. “I meant going through solid objects comma dad.” Corrected Artha as he rubbed his sore waist. “Well for the record comma do not do that again for the rest of the week comma ok?” “Yes comma sir full stop” “So comma what did I miss?” Asked Kitt as she and parm It is sheer laziness to not bother to capitalise NAMES. Do you even read your work prior to posting it in public? heads toward the trio. “Artha got stuck in the wall again ha ha ha ha.” Generally, it is not a good idea to attempt to write asinine-appearing vocalisations such as "Hahahaha", "Heheehee", "Aaaaaaregh", "Mwahahahahah" when a simple "He laughed"/"He giggled"/"He screamed"/"He chortled" would do the job, unless it is actually amusing to do so. Lance laughs loudly as Artha fails to hit Lance on his head as his fist zips through lance’s head. Too much action packed into a sentence makes it hard to understand. “Shut up Lance!” Arhta Please spell the names of canon characters correctly mutters into Lance’s ear. “Sorry for the hold up comma but professor accidentally fused with Cyrano on the way here it took me forever just to get the two separated!” This whole "Everyone randomly now has ghost powers" thing really doesn't work like this. You can't just magically transplant the powers of this other fandom to another world without providing adequate explanation for it (especially since, you know, NOT CANON AT ALL), and even if there was explanation it's still not a good idea to ignore every conflict and every power canonically explored for the sake of this new Sueishly kewl thing. “Ya comma lest Lest: with the intention of preventing (something undesirable); to avoid the risk of. Let's: abbreviation of "let us" hope for that not to continue comma right commaCyrano?” Parm said comma looking at the big green bull class dragon. Pointless overdescription; the vast majority of readers know what sort of dragon Cyrano is and it is not relevant to this part of the story. ”That’s right comma bud comma and but Two conjunctions? I bet you can get at least three commas by trading one in you still owe me for last week!” Cyrano roars in dragonese. “We got a message from Khatah comma he says that the origin of our powers is only to lead to what is called the war of souls.” Kitt pointed out as she lowers her head in worry. Change of tense in the same sentence. *insert snotty remark on American education here* If your profile birthdate is correct, you're a month or so older than me. You should have learned this by now. “Ya Does Parm use slang like this? even he has ghostly powers like us and many others, much blood will be spilt and lives will be lost comma” Parm also pointed out in a low voice. If nearly everyone has powers like this (as it appears), the powers will be almost meaningless and hence a war is just as likely as it was prior to the existence of the powers (when everyone lacked the powers as against everyone possessing the powers). Unless the minority without the powers discover some immense technological or other advantage that compensates and use that to fight against the ghosts, but I get the impression that gives you a little too much credit. Or if the powers have some inherent violence to them, but Parm doesn't know that. “WHAT A WAR I THOUGHT THAT I WAS ONLY SUPPOSE TO PREVENT A DRAGON/HUMAN WAR NOT SOME WAR OF SOULS.” Artha shouted in furry. "Artha in a furry" gives me a very dirty mental picture that I hope very few on this board understand. I suspect you meant "fury". “But it can not be avoided like other wars.” Kitt and Parm replied in unison as there There/their; THERE is a difference; learn it feet sunk ankle deep in the hard ground. “What do ya’ll mean by it can not be avoided like other wars!” Artha commanded One cannot command questions as Kitt and parm Did you use up the capslock in the paragraph before last? pull their feet from the ground. “This happens every 15,000 spell it out; "fifteen thousand" is really easy to type years like a cycle and secretly it is a competition for the next ruler of souls and is able to revive whole cities if he or she wants.” Parm snapped back at Artha like a nerd standing up to a bully. Isn't that what it IS rather than what it's LIKE? “What the a Two articles; trade the "the" in and I bet you get at least five commas for it stupid contest!” “A deadly one comma for that matter comma” kitt caps interrupted as she yanks tense her foot from the ground full stop *BOOOOOM, BAABOOOMMMM* It looks truly ridiculous to attempt to spell sound effects. “What was that!?” Artha shouted in shock. “It has begun………There are THREE dots in an ellipsis. Trade the rest in for commas. the war of souls has begun.” Connor replied comma holding the frightened small red head boy. |