Member name: crossroad

Personal details (favorite character, age, tell us a little about yourself): I'm 17, I make music videos, and flash players.

favorite characters: Mortis, Beau, Lance, and Parmon

Characters you’d like to play: Word, Beau, or Mortis

Previous RP experience and writing abilities: I mostly rp on Yahoo, MSN, or AOL. I'm not that the top of my class in writing, but hey at lest i passed with a B-

Writing sample: I don't have a name for this Fanfiction, Warning Charater death and no they didnt kill themself.
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It was the coldest rainiest day of the year, people run home to with friends and families, but a brother mourns for his. In the dragon city graveyard a little brother was being laid to rest.

Next to the new grave Mortis was speaking about the good times that they all shared. Artha was staring at the his brothers coffin, wondering why it happen… it started with only a cough, then came the fever, Lance was so hot Artha brought him to the hospital… 7 days later Lance died when Artha was reading to him. He looked so peaceful…

Mortis was now done speaking; Kitt puts her hand on Artha shoulder. Artha opened his mouth and said

“He always wanted to help, but sometimes ending up braking it, or making it worse. I remember him so well so young, so carefree, but then he got sick, and then he went away.

Now we put him in the ground next to our father and mum. I couldn’t believe that the same sickness that toke our mum… toke him too.

I never thought I would lose him. He was the reason why I had to fight, to stop Word and the dragon human war. He didn’t even get a chance to grow up…

I remember the day you came into my life, I was 6 years old… you were crying and screaming at first I didn’t like you... but you grew on me. You had orange fuzz for hair, the biggest blue eyes I ever seen, I told mum I would look after you, protect you, and make fun of you.

I can’t remember her, her laugh, her smile, the way she tuck us in at night. She died 3 weeks later of some un-known sickness.

Now ten years later I lost you and dad. I still remember that day at the hospital when you left”

-Flash back-

Artha was sitting in a light green chair that was next to a hospital bed that had lance in it. The room was white and small, flowers and balloons from Kitt and Parmon, a few toys and get well cards from Spratt were on a table.

Lance was lying back in the bed; a tube was in his neck that was helping him breathe. The sickness made him lose some of his hair and a lot of weight. Mostly machines were keeping him alive now. From what Artha could see Lance hated it.

While Artha was reading, he kept his eyes on the book not wanting to look at his brother; Lance was looking out the window, sun was setting, and it was getting dark. He looked over to the door and saw someone.

“…Dad?” Lance whispered, Artha looks over the book to Lance, the boy’s eyes were open, but no life was in them, he wasn’t breathing, and no heart beat. “LANCE!!!”

-End of flash back-

Soon the boy was buried, and everyone was gone but Artha and Mortis. Artha kneels down to the head stone and puts the Lance’s helmet on it.

The head stone said Lance Penn, you left us to soon, died a son and a brother. A picture of Lance was taped on the helmet.

“Rest in peace bro” Artha smiled.

At the gates of the graveyard three people stood there looking at Artha. Connor, his wife, and his son Lance watched over artha, even though Lance was dead it was another guardian angel for Artha.

(In loving memory of al_bhed_lady. A huge fan of Dragon Booster and a victim of Cancer)

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please dont make fun of it...

Who is al_bhed_lady? And I'm sorry to hear that. Your story was a sincere tear-jerker, and I think it shows a lot of emotion. I don't know how the administrator will take this, but I think you did a good job. Please check your spelling, though.

crossroad's application has been accepted, but you won't recieve your password or character until Sarah has given you a little concrit. :)

Sorry this took so long, crossroad. :)

"It was the coldest rainiest day of the year, people run home to with friends and families" To WHAT?

"Dragon City"--is capitalised.

"good times that they all shared." HAD shared, past tense.

"Artha was staring at the his brothers coffin" Either "the coffin" or "his brother's coffin"

"wondering why it happen…" HAPPENED. Keep tenses straight.

"7 days"--spell out numbers less than one hundred, or numbers that are short to write such as one thousand.

"Mortis was now done speaking; Kitt puts her hand on Artha shoulder." Beware the tense change of DOOM! Past tense (he did this, she went, I ran, they climbed, etcetera) is usual, though present (I go, he opens, they laugh, etcetra) and others may be used for effect and where required. You have tense changes throughout the story, and this is something you need to watch.

"Braking" is what you do in a car. "Breaking" means to smash something.

The past tense of the verb "take" is "took," not "toke".

In Dragon City, owing more to American cultural influences, the word "mom" would be used instead of our "mum".

Make sure every sentence ends with a full stop or other punctuation.

Do not put the phrase "Flash back" into the middle of your story. The reader should be able to tell. Scene divides and italics will suffice.

Always capitalise names--Lance, Artha, etc.

"The room was white and small, flowers and balloons from Kitt and Parmon, a few toys and get well cards from Spratt were on a table." This sentence needed an "and" as well as a comma to make sense.

"Headstone" is one word.

"left us to soon"--there is a difference between "to" and "too". "You're working TOO hard", versus "Give the ball TO Ron."“Rest in peace bro” Artha smiled.

This was overly sentimental, IMO, and while I get the impression you may have been attempting to convey some theme about senseless death of the young, you didn't bring this across in the fic very well. Neither did you give any information about the mysterious disease, so that comes across as something of a deus ex machina and clumsily-attempted manipulation of the reader's emotions. The 'guardian angel' line drew the focus very suddenly on Artha, where previously it had been on Lance, and it was trite: "Sure, he's dead, but he can be a guardian for his brother now! Isn't that wonderful!" Spell-checking and grammar checking before you post would greatly assist.

See you in the RP. :)

thank you :)

that is a very beautiful peice of writing.
i am deeply sorry for your loss...

Crossroad isn't around anymore S-D. And frankly, I'm inclined to agree with Sarah on this one: it needs a lot of work.