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Dragon Booster > Fan Fiction > DRAG



Title: DRAG
Description: Just a fanfiction


KittxArtha forever - June 16, 2005 06:15 PM (GMT)
About 20 years after the show...


Drag


- Sun city - 9: 30 pm -Wednesday - with officer Khatah -

“Just another night in sun city… I just got told that there’s a dragon highjack going on,” Khatah said into the camera.

“Must be Paynn again,” said his partner Lance.

Khatah turns the corner with Lance following him.

“There they are!” Khatah mage jumps off his dragon “halt your under arrest!”

The young man who was trying to highjack the dragon starts to run.

“Back up we need back 10-4” Lance and his dragon start to run after the boy “I am tracking a young male, he looks to be at else 25 or 26 maybe 30. His skin is dark, yeah he’s from the Dragon Eye Crew.” He said into his COM link.

Cain knew if he didn’t get to Down City and fast… well he didn’t want to think about it. He jumps onto the lift, Lance mages from his dragon and tackles Cain.

“Your under arrest! You have the right to remain silent” Lance pulls out a set of handcuffs “anything you say can and will be used against you.”

He pulls Cain onto the back of his dragon “another night of crime.”

- Mid City - 9:58 pm – Wednesday - with officers Pyrrah and Spratt -

“I grow up here when I was a kid, I remember all the gangs and stuff” Spratt told Pyrrah “really wanted to make a different here.”

“Officer 342 we have a drunk driver on high way 51.”

“Roger that, on our way” Pyrrah replied.

They turn off onto high way 49. “Hey Lance! I need back up here” Spratt called into his COM link.

“Roger that Spratt on my way”

Pyrrah turns on her siren, and they turn off onto high way 51.

Spratt looks around “Come out, come out where ever you are…”
A man wearing weird looking armor zooms passed them.

“What the!” Spratt and his dragon run after him with Pyrrah following.

“Pull the dragon over!” Pyrrah yells.

The unknown man speeds away, “Green Bone Dragon! Could be from the Will Of The Dragon Crew!” Spratt said into the COM link.

“Good thing that’s no one is on the highway cause its being worked on” Pyrrah said to Spratt, “…oh no.”

Lance jumps onto the high way with the Dragon Booster! They try to catch up with the run away.

“Nice back up Lance!” Spratt calls to Lance.

“Hey Parm why is this highway out?” The dragon booster said into the COM link.

“Well artha its appears that the high density and the height of the mass was damaged.”

“… You mean that’s there’s a gap coming up right?”

“Well yes! Didn’t I say that?” Parm yelled from the COM link.

Soon the three officers and the dragon booster stopped the mad drunk driver.

“MORITS!!!!” Lance, Artha, and Spratt yelled.

-end-


Could you guys tell me what you think?

Sarah Frost - June 16, 2005 06:56 PM (GMT)
It was rather amusing that you had Mortis as the drunk driver. :) Nice punchline. I'm not sure, though, if this is humorfic or a realistic depiction of what could happen to the characters. Pyrrah doesn't strike me as the type to go into law enforcement, somehow. Perhaps a bit more elaboration? It wasn't quite...funny...enough to be humorfic, but as it stands it wasn't a realistic depiction of "what could happen" either. It could have been a dystopian future where all of our main characters were somewhat mind-controlled and had had a choice between becoming part of The System or death in The Camps, but I didn't get that vibe either.

I think the spelling's improved since the last fic I saw from you. Notes:

"Officer" is capitalised when it is a title (ie. refers to a specific person). "Officer Khatah," "Officer X". It isn't capitalised when it is used to refer to any person (the officer).

"Sun City" and the other city sectors are always capitalised. "Work Town", "Mid City," "Precinct".

"Hijack" actually doesn't relate to the word "high".

Watch the tense changes. You go from "Khatah SAID" (past) to "Khatah TURNS" (present). Neither tense is inherently inappropriate, but you have to keep it consistent.

A "mage" is another word for 'magician', and it is pronounced "mayge", long "a" as in "age". I believe the term is "mag-jumped", "mag" pronounced with short "a" as in "apple". "Mag" derives more from "magnetism" than "magic".

Twenty years on, Cain would be around thirty-seven, not twenty-seven. Most of the canon characters would be between thirty and forty, and Connor and Word would be in their sixties. Remember that.

Dialogue tags. "He said," "she ejaculated," "they gasped," "it cried," are all part of the same sentence as the dialogue and are not capitalised. "This is right," she said. "Is this also right?" she asked. "Yes!" he yelled with frustration.

"However, when there is no 'he said' attached, there is a full stop." He walked to the other side of the room. "You're describing things other than how I said what I said, so it's a separate sentence with its own capital letter and full stop."

"This example is correct," he said. "There was a full stop, and a new sentence began."

This link is a useful grammar guide. Hope it helps with my pitiful explanation above. :)

Watch "you're" "your" confusion. "You're" is an abbreviation of "you are". "Your" is a possessive." Think "you are" for "you're" in order to see if you're (you are) correct in your grammar (that belongs to you). YOU'RE (you are) going to wash YOUR hair (the hair that belongs to you) tonight.

Is COM an acronym? For Communications Of Mag-importance, perhaps? If so, then it is capitalised. If it is simply a device, then it is not. Also, "comm" is the more common spelling, in my experience. ("He spoke into his comm.")

Also, you were missing a few commas. Some of these grammar rules are difficult to explain, because native-speakers tend to pick these up by instinct. But think of where natural pauses would belong if you were saying a sentence aloud, and also examine clauses. (Clauses are parts of sentences.) Sometimes, a sentence is broken up into two different parts, and especially if the different parts could be sentences on their own (ie. have a subject and a verb), a comma is necessary.

It is "Mortis" not "Morits". Spelling a canon character's name wrong is one of the most heinous things you can do to make yourself look bad, as it implies you don't even know your own fandom let alone the English language.

So this is not bad and a sincere effort. Try to put more description in your work. EXPLAIN what's happening, especially if your setting is something like 'twenty years from now'. You could have included little details such as, "From where they were patrolling, they could see the Governor's Sun City citadel rising into the distance," or "Lance looked over to where his old home had been. It had been twenty years since Word Paynn had destroyed it, but he still kept the ritual of glancing over to it." In a way your story feels blind, because the reader just can't tell what's going on. You need information about the characters' motivations and surroundings. Not that some stories don't work when they're told in a very bleak manner, but as with you this seems less a conscious style choice than the act of a beginning writer I'd recommend working on more description and elaboration.

KittxArtha forever - June 16, 2005 07:10 PM (GMT)
Thanks for the tips

Sarah Frost - June 16, 2005 07:18 PM (GMT)
No problem. :)




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