Apologies if this is in the wrong place, but if anyone has a transcript of the original DB's recorded speech from 'Misjudged' (iirc), I'd be very appreciative.

Thanks!

War has come to dragon city. Beau and I are the only things standing in its way. We have allies. Sure many dragons, many humens, but the responabilty is so great they want a leader. What if I lead them wrong? Still I am the Dragon Booster and I got to try.

Hope that helps ^^

Thanks, that helps a lot. :) I think I'm going to take one or two creative liberties with it, though...

I need help please with fan fic you see i have a really hard time geting voice in my storys :(

Define 'voice.' Your voice? The character's voice? What sort of voice?

Emotion, body language, feeling of the charters surroundings , inner emotion, impact of the situation, and action, maybe some detail to :unsure:

This is something that can be solved by roughly three non-exclusive methods:

1. Read.

Read as much as you can, preferably "quality" books rather than cheap quickie paperbacks (in fantasy this would be the distinction between A Song of Ice and Fire and Dragonlance) but the primary criterion is what you enjoy/are pleasurably challenged by. Figure out which characters you like, and figure out why you like them and what's so distinctive about the way they speak and act and are written. Figure out what you like about the way authors do style and POV and description, and how you can take away lessons from that. Think about word choice (long, short, sounding a certain way), descriptive motifs, structure, perspective. Recently I've been reading DH Lawrence (utterly scandalicious; he was banned for obscenity back in his day though by modern standards he's fairly tame) and I'm really enjoying the way he does description. It's not good to plagiarise, but understanding and analysing other authors' works to know what can make a book good or bad is a way we can make our own writing better.

2. Think.

What sort of emotion do you want to convey in the scene? If it's meant to be dramatic and sad, you might mention the sharp edges of the building, the long distance to the red sun on the horizon, the dark rainwater dripping off the rusted pipes. Just don't go overboard with purple prose (overdescription).

Whose POV are you telling it from? What is the character going to notice? If the character is an impulsive martial artist they might notice the high rooftops they might later be jumping around on, the rough stones of the alleyway, the bright red tights hanging out of an upper storey window.

What do the characters' surroundings feel like? If a character thinks of a particular area as home, they might notice the smell of roast duckling cooking in the oven, the bright fire blazing in the grate, the laughter from all the family members gathered there. If a character thinks of the same place as somewhere unfamiliar and a little intimidating, they might notice the speed with which the cook wields his knife to chop up the duckling, the mess on the floor making it difficult to walk, and the crowd of people squashing in on them.

For the body language, think about the gestures you and people you know use to express certain things. A nervous character might twirl her hair around her little finger if she's feeling uncertain, and an easily irritated character might think this is really annoying. An angry character might jump out of her seat when someone makes a nasty remark. A calculating character might be still unless she wants to convey meaning by her movements. A bullying character might stand over someone smaller than themselves to intimidate them.

For the inner emotion, it's usually best to show and not tell: instead of "Kelly was sad", it's better to have, "Bristow was dead. Kelly felt nothing as Barker said the words, a numbing disbelief seizing her for that instant, and then it felt as though burning shards were ripping into her heart. She would never see her goldfish again."

To convey the impact of a situation, sometimes less can be more; stark statements can make a situation seem a lot more serious than overdescription. Again, what the characters would be thinking and feeling in that situation is pretty much what you want to convey. Imagine them in that situation and what they would do and say and why; if it's fanfic, also think about similar canon situations and what happened there if that's applicable.

How action is written depends on the author, but short sentences (in moderation so it doesn't sound like "See Spot Run") can help convey urgency and speed. It's not from this fandom, but this is an example of a battlefic I like. There's short sentences mixed with flashbacks, dialogue and occasional descriptive imagery to create a really energetic story.

3. Write.

The only way anyone becomes a good writer is by practicing. Keep on writing, re-read your work and think about why parts of it work or don't work, listen to criticism and think about whether or not they're right, ask for advice. As above, think about what you're doing and practice; it's the only way you can become better. As you keep going, you'll develop a distinctive individual style of your own, your "voice", and to develop character voice keep thinking about how the character would think and act under these circumstances. It's also a good exercise to try to write fanfic that imitates other writers' styles, to see how flexible your style can get.

Thank you this will help alot :)

o and the fan fic i am Writing will be Dragon's will, Legend of the blood I hope you will like it when i post it :rolleyes:

I hope I'll like it too. ;)

You seem like a young 'un, but one other thing I'd suggest is making sure you use a spellcheck/grammar checking program (based on your posts you appear to have difficulty with punctuation, capitalisation, and homophones) and/or ask someone to read it over to check these issues as well as critique it before you post.

*considers* how to fix your problems with that really depends on what your problems with it are. I recently went over someone's research essay and I swear up and down on the Magma Draconis that they wrote like bullet points. And his Transitions sucked. But his vocabulary was good.

One trick to display emotion, like say fear or horror, is to make your sentance(s) a sort of timeline for the physical responces. Of course, you feel them all at once, but you can't describe them all at once, you can only read one word at a time, so you need a logical, linular, expression for things that happen all at once. Also, mixing in some of the character's thoughts into it, not directly as ___ thought '____', but rather let it tint your naritive

Take this:

He fell backwards when faced with the steaming mass of...No, no that couldn't have ever been a dragon. Never, it wasn't, shouldn't be--even with the smooth brown, sticks, not, not that, stuck out of the red musscle.

The rapidly expanding pool of blood touched his foot, and he crab-walked backwards with a sharp yell, stopping when the scent finally hit him. It smelled good, and his stomach chruned because it was horrible. Bile burned in the back of his mouth like acid, and instinct fought his mind to keep his stomach from reblling. Shoulders tight, and cold creeping along his bones from his core, moving outwards until they reached his shaking fingertips.


Not my best work, but see what I did? Not too many adjectives or adverbs, one metaphor--a similie at that (unless I mis counted, which I usually do), but I still painted a picture. I also drew a line, from stomach, up to the throat, then out to the shoulders and down to the finger tips to provide me with a logical sentance 'timeline.' Sometimes spotting is also good, gives the feeling of speed and not being able to register everything at once.

Let's see a sample of your writting so I can help more?

I barly started but here it is

Dragon's will, Legend of the blood


Chapter 1: Kitt’s secret


Awakening from her slumber she removes her house robe and walks to the shower. Then she removes a collar and a jet of smoke and ash shoots through vents on her neck. As the cool waters pouring onto her she looks down only to find a black stream of ash flowing toward the drain. Sighing she places her hand calmly on the shower wall.

Kitt: I have kept this secret for to long, but how should I tell Artha, Lance, everyone?

Twelve minutes later she turns off the shower, wipes the water and wet ash off her body, and puts on the collar.

Okay... Some of the stuff I'll be commenting on is very basic; if you are a native speaker attending high school you really should have learned this by now.

In story titles, the two most common formats are to capitalise all words or just capitalise the ones more than three letters long (ie. the ones not the articles/prepositions/conjunctions).

Place a comma between "slumber" and "she". I note you're using present tense (she is, he runs, it burns) rather than the more common past tense (she was, he ran, it burned); present tense is something that should be chosen for specific stylistic reasons (it's good for a fast-moving action-oriented style, for example). It's not as easy to do well as past is. You keep it consistent in this short excerpt, though, and that's good.

I also note your use of the phrase "house robe" rather than "pyjamas"/"dressing down"/"nightgown" (not that Kitt's really the character to wear one of those). The use of the term gives a somewhat exotic feel to the situation, but a house robe on our world isn't something one generally slumbers in. So perhaps she's sleeping in the middle of the day?

These two sentences feel clunky to me. Try reading your words aloud to see where the natural pauses come in; use commas, conjunctions and even separate sentences if the emphasis feels like it belongs there. For example, I'd use a separate sentence to describe the jet of smoke and ash, because that's something really odd that you should grant a separate sentence to.

You also need to watch subject/verb agreement; cool waters should POUR, not pouring.

"Only to find" is a phrase that suggests some surprise at what she's finding, but, based on the description, after a jet of smoke and ash has shot out in cool water I'd expect a black stream of ash to be flowing towards the drain.

BTW, did you get this idea from a novel or other story? It feels a bit familiar to me. I'm reminded a little of Chris Wooding's Saramyr.

Also, of course, giving a canon character extra powers is something generally frowned upon, especially if those powers don't exist in the canon world; it's a form of Mary-Sueing.

Another comma is needed, after "sighing".

Script format is generally a bad thing unless you are, in fact, writing a playscript (or have some other reason, like humourfic, and even then it can look very lazy). Use proper format for dialogue or thought; you may place thought in italics, and this is an excellent tutorial for dialogue formatting.

Also, you mean "too" rather than "to". He went TO the shops; he bought TOO many sweets while he was there. Watch the homophones.

The speaker also doesn't sound like Kitt; she sounds melodramatic ("kept this secret for too long") and uncertain of herself ("how should I tell") rather than the snappy and certain persona she usually presents. Kitt might say something more like, "I'm so tired of keeping this quiet! Too bad stable boy and friends wouldn't even believe me."

A better sentence; the use of commas makes it easier to read and understand. That it's third-person omniscient is clear as it's unlikely Kitt would have timed her shower to the minute; I like the mention of the exact time. It gives a feeling of the definite.

Heh, Sarah, you beat me to it. And did better than I ever could. I, unfortunetly, don't have much technical knowledge, just instinctive and what I could teach myself. (my english teachers sucked, and I went to private school. I had to teach myself to use a semicolon)

You might, no strike that, you definetly want to go into how she did things and how they feel. And I'm talking beyond adjectives and adverbs here, dedicate a sentance, or part of one to it. For instance:

Could turn into this:

Awakening from her slumber she blinks at the pallid, patched ceiling and sits up to strech languidly. Kitt doesn't hesitate before she puts her feet down off the side of the bed, and she dances in place because of the coolness. She slips her house robe off her shoulders where it pools on the ground and she walks to the shower.

See?

Wow, writting that was was more difficult than I thought, I kept on shifting tences, I don't think I even got it down right.

Yes, that's good. :)

A maxim, though, is that every sentence should add something to plot or character; while detailed writing is good, it's also important not to get bogged down in irrelevant description. Beautiful writing brimming with delicate metaphor, quivering simile, rose-blushed adjective and the peeping elfin face of adverb is good, but you should bear in mind that you don't need to describe every single detail. For example, Nemi's description of the "pallid, patched" ceiling is good as it gives some idea of what Kitt's home is like, but describing the way Kitt said a particular line as "assertively" might be pointless (unless it's meant to be especially emphasised!) as we already know what Kitt's tone of voice is generally like. It's the difference between not describing every time the character needs a bathroom break and giving enough information so that the reader can build a picture in their mind. Some people's styles are more adjectival than others', and there's a certain amount of personal preference there.

I agree, purple prose (which is what all Sarah's descriptions of 'beautiful writting' boil down to when combined) is bad. I admit that when I write a demonstration or some such I have a tendancy to go more purple than not, simply to get more stufff in to show.

Also, one should have subtly more description in the begining of scenes to set the stage, and get down to the meaty, fun part of writting. On that note: unless you have a specific reason not to, name the characters you're writting realitivly early, otherwise readers are left wondering, and then goign WTF when someone seems to materialize out of thin air.

And on that note, avoid referring to characters as "the girl racer", "the dark-haired youth", "the blunette artist" (not that "blunette" is a word :P ), and especially avoid using too many changing descriptors as character designators. While it's useful if a POV character doesn't know their names (eg. "Kestral bowed sloppily to the three sitting on the Academy dais. As she slowly straightened up, she realised she didn't know these instructors at all, a dark-haired man with an intricate arrangement of string suspended between his hands, a still, pale woman who almost looked albino bar her shining green eyes, and a squat broad-faced woman impatiently tapping a mag-staff on the ground. "Explain yourself," the pale woman finally said in a voice containing all the cold inexorability of a shifting iceberg on the Winter Track.") Excessive use of character descriptions rather than names is like excessive use of "said": it can look bad, but it's probably not as bad as you think it is and going too far in the opposite direction looks even worse.

Ok I totally understand that and I’m going to do a different approach

...I'm a bit frightened. What part of the show? Serriously, Eva has...gawd it scars my mind with how many referances and biblical and deep it is. *whimpers remembering Asuka v the finished Eva serries*

the feeling of the show is what i am talking about but how can it frighten you it is only a cartoon :blink: :blink:

o and this is tha approach i was talking about

Awakening from her slumber, she slowly looks up at the smoke stained ceiling. Placing her long slender hand across her face and sighed softly as the smoke swirled in the air. Gill-like vents on her neck opens and close expelling hot smoke and ash. Placing her feet firmly on the ground she slips the long silk night gown off her shoulders. From where it pools on the ground she walks toward the shower.

It's a well-made cartoon. :P

Long and slender? This strikes me as unnecessarily glamorous description, especially for a canon character whose appearance we already know.

Also, the sentence is not grammatically correct. "Placing her long, slender hand across her face, she sighed softly as smoke swirled in the air" would be, as would, "She places her long slender hand across her face and sighs softly as the smoke swirls in the air". Keep the tenses consistent, too. Present, as I mentioned above, is generally only useful for a story when you want it to sound very fast-moving. Contrast:

With:

There's a reason, let's say, why most writers prefer past tense unless their style is such that they can do something really interesting with it.

Watch the subject-verb agreement. Vents should OPEN, not OPENS.

Long silk nightgown? For Kitt? This character here is sounding a lot more glamorous than canon!Kitt. I hope she's merely an OC with a similar name to a canon character. Kitt MIGHT be wearing long silk nightgowns if she really, really likes the feel of them and her aunt gave her several as a Clawtide present, but as a tough Down City racer I suspect she's more the type for large old shirts, pyjamas or possibly just underwear.

The clause order that 'feels' more natural to me would be "She walks toward the shower from where the gown pools on the ground."

You've got more description in this attempt, which is good. :)

Thank you i am going to pm you what i have for now :)

I'll get round to replying to the pm, Decepshun (it's a nice small snippet), but I'm not interested in being your beta reader (ie. regularly reading through all your material); I already beta for two people in my 'home' fandom and along with my uni work and my own writing that's enough for me. I hope you do find someone else who's able to help, though, like Nemi's done for you on this thread, and I don't mean the "ill be yor betta cus u RAWK" sort of help either.

sorry

I can help you, but not Beta for you. I know myself well enough that if I tried I might end up overwhelming your personal style and making your story my own in all but name. And I'm not going to do that to you.

The best advice I can give you now, since you seem to have picked up a better feel for describing things, is

One) Switch to Pass tence third person omniscient--it'll make writting gammercally correct sentances so much easier and less confusing ie:

She takes off her scarf and then (no, wait that's wrong because that's future tence (right?))

She takes off her mittens after taking off her scarf (pass tence, right?)

She took off her Scarf and then she took off her mittens

In present tence, everything has to be present tence, even if you moved forward in time--in the same sentance! Past tence, everything is past tence, no matter when it happened before.

Two) Hold the image of what you're writting in your head, and then ask yourself "Am I writting this because it's pretty/sexy/cool, or because it's what ___ would really have/do?"

As Sarah noted with the silk nightgown. Would Kitt bother with silk, or a nightgown for that matter? Why? Do they even have silk in Dragon City?

I wear nightgowns, they are litterally gowns, and go to my ankels, would Kitt like something that would get caught on anything on the floor? Also, nightgowns are rarely silk. Think your grandmother's frumpy dress. My favorite one is thin white cotton linnen, feels as soft as silk.

And while I'm on the subject, since I've been on a mending binge recently:

Silk =/= be all end all of soft fabrics. Some silk is a bit coarse due to the weaving. And I have a pair of fitted, expensive as hell jeans (the only pair I spend much on) are, as I said jeans, which is a type of cotten. And they feel like velvet on the top side. Cotton linnen? Feels heavenly.

Silk=/= ultimate fabric (though it's pleanty strong)

Cotton = Ultimate Fabric, it's the soybean/peanut of fabrics

uh, rayon is awesome too.

*runs away*

sorry i wanted to find some tips on how to work with my story i did not mean to go to far*bows down and gives a thankful smile*thank you

Whoa. :huh: Was that in Misjudged? :blink: I don't think so.....that was in The Chromatic Dragon. :)

War has come to Dragon City. Beau and I are the only things standing in its way. We have allies sure. Many dragons, many humans. But the responsibility is so great, they want a leader. What if I lead them wrong?? Still I am the Dragon Booster, and I got to try!

Yeah that was in the The Chromatic Dragon.

Uh, Hun? Does--. Don't you even read what someone else posted?

-As was sort-of mentioned in this thread earlier, are there any people out there who would consider being Beta readers for fanfiction?
I ask because I recently came up with an intriging idea for a story and wish to have someone proof read it before I post in on the board. The only problem is that it has not been written as of yet.
-This is where a few pre-writing questions come in. For example, in any of the newer episodes (Return of Drakkus pt. 2 and up) do we get any more information on the war 3000 years ago? Or do we get any more information on Armeggedon for that matter? Also anything related to Gold Star dragons as they were in the past would be great!
-I ask here as I do not wish to be overly spoiled when and if I do see the episodes. Also any hints as to writing cannon charaters would be appreciated.

-Sorry if any of this has been mentioned before and thanks in advance! :)

Parmon is pretty hard actually, when you want to put in techno-babble. I try to pay attention to what he says, and he's not just making it up. It's just extra information. Like when in "All is not Lost" and he's figuring out it's a dead end? Part of it is that he's saying GPS location and 'careful analyus.' and such. So don't jsut pull it out of your rump

Thanks!
I have a working title that may or may not get some interest in this fic if anyone's curious. It's called Where is Your Hero Now?

I'm also wondering about any more information regarding surviving ancient dragons from 3000 years ago or anything on ancient dragons for that matter.

Sorry to be such a bother but I want to take the time and do this right. ;)

i am having a hard time with doing a conversation between two characters

This is what i have for now

Looking in her eyes for a moment, Artha felt as if he was drowning in a green sea then when she blinked the feeling was gone. She leaped off the saddle and landed behind him, turning in unison she placed her hand upon his lips before he could say a word. “I need to tell you something and will not be easy to understand but…,” taking her hand off his lips she removed the collar revealing the vents on her neck. “What are those things,”! Artha shouted as if something had burned him. “I am a weapon called Child of fire unit 1 and these things are vents to keep the smoke from backing up into my lungs”

It's not much, but the most basic advice I can give is to start a new paragraph for each speaker. That and write dialog how you would speak it. Actually say it out loud to yourself and hear if it sounds right.

Hope this little bit helps! ;)

And you're switching tences again, that's a nono

ok i will fix that thank you