06 - Opposite Attraction

Transcript by Angela.

Director of Animation: Robert D. M. Smith
Writer: Jeff Biederman
Director: Giles Walker

PETER: Hey, Mark, it's Pete. Good news on this side of the Atlantic. I got a girlfriend! How's it going with the American girls? I'll give you some tips. With women, you gotta play it cool, and when they're talking, you gotta pay attention and act really interested. You see, relationships aren't like video games. You don't know when they're gonna end!

MARK: You got that right, Pete!

SCENE: Carnival of Doom

LADY ILLUSION: I can't take it anymore! I never thought I'd miss prison in the Sixth Dimension until I landed here! I want out!

LORD FEAR: Oh, I love it when you get angry! But you know the rules, snookums - we can't leave this decrepit dimension until we have all the pieces of the Amulet.

Pigface farts.

LADY ILLUSION: That's another thing - does HE have to be here?

PIGFACE: Not Pigface fault! I can't help it if I ... I smell bad!

He starts sobbing.

LORD FEAR: Snookums, you've hurt his feelings. His repellent powers will be useful when we get out of this wayward world.

LADY ILLUSION: You mean IF we ever get out! I'm not waiting around any more. It's time for a little action!

LORD FEAR: You can't leave me! We're programmed to be together!

Lady Illusion transforms into a dog with the Amulet piece around her neck. She leaves the Carnival and Ace watches from the ticket booth.

ACE: A dog without a leash? That smells like trouble!

Opposite Attraction

SCENE: Cafeteria

CHUCK: You've really eaten fried pig kidneys?

MARK: Plenty of times. We have it for breakfast back home.

CHUCK: That's sick, dude!

KUTCHER: Next! Chucky! How's my favourite customer?

CHUCK: Hungry, Mrs Kutcher. What have you got?

KUTCHER: Well, mon wee mon-sewer, I've prepared a little French dish - Chateau Foie Gras Lay-fee ... Surprise!

CHUCK: Bring it on, Kutcher! Bring it on!

MARK: What exactly is in that?

KUTCHER: If I told you what was in it, it wouldn't be a surprise. A-choo!

MARK: You've got some nice buns, Mrs Kutcher. I'll grab one of those.

KUTCHER: Keep your filthy mind off my buns!

(Mark was actually talking about the buns on the counter.)

MARK: But ...

KUTCHER: That's enough about my butt!

CHUCK: That's REALLY sick, dude! Ugh!

KUTCHER: Next!

Mark and Chuck are sitting at a table. Chuck is feeding his face.

MARK: Chuck, we've talked about this. First we chew, then we swallow.

CHUCK: I can't help it, dude! This French food rocks!

Mark's pager beeps. It reads URGENT: CALL ACE ASAP.

MARK: Chuck, I gotta go.

Mark heads over to Samantha's table.

MARK: Samantha, can I borrow your cellphone?

SAM: Sure, but no calls to London or my parents will freak!

MARK: I won't. Thanks.

SAM: Mark ... What are you doing after school? I was thinking of going rollerblading. Bring your skateboard, unless you're busy with your video game.

MARK: No, no, that would be brilliant.

He walks off.

HEATHER: All right, what was that?

SAM: What was what?

HEATHER: You broke up with Brett an hour ago, and you're dating that cute kid from England! Does not look good!

SAM: We're not dating. We're just hanging out.

HEATHER: Well, if it's not a date ... can I come?

SAM: Well, if you really want to. I don't think that Mark would want ...

HEATHER: Me ruining your date? Don't worry, Sam, you two can have your "alone time" together!

SCENE: In the hall

CHESEBOROUGH: (getting up some kid) This is not some kind of rave! Learn the three L's - no littering, no loitering and no laughing! Learn and live, live and learn, pass it on and go away!

Mark heads back in the direction he came and calls Ace.

ACE: Lightning here.

MARK: Ace, it's me. Where are you?

ACE: I'm right here. In your school.

MARK: You are? All right, don't panic. What room are you in?

ACE: I'm not sure. There's some sort of miniature waterfall.

MARK: Oh, you're in a loo!

ACE: The who?

MARK: The loo. The boys' bathroom. I hope it's the boys'! Are there little blue waterfalls hanging from the wall?

ACE: Roger on that, kid.

MARK: Stay put. I'll be right there.

SCENE: Bathroom

Ace knocks the hand dryer off the wall. Mark walks in.

MARK: Ace, what's up?

Ace is playing innocent and humming.

MARK: Ace, you can't keep breaking stuff like this! I'm going to get in trouble!

Mark puts it back onto the wall.

MARK: So what's Lord Fear done this time?

ACE: It's Lady Illusion. She's struck out on her own.

MARK: Lady Illusion! After Lord Fear, she's the most powerful villain in the Carnival! We've got to find her before she finds us.

ACE: First we'll need some weapons. Lightning Lance, Sword of Jacob ... A Shield of Justice would help.

MARK: I tried to upload the weapons but I couldn't. It may work if I reboot it. I'll meet you at the Thunder Tower at four o'clock. I just need to go and get my laptop.

Cheseborough hears Mark talking to Ace and goes into the bathroom.

CHESEBOROUGH: What are you doing?

MARK: Isn't that a rather personal question, Mr Cheseborough?

CHESEBOROUGH: Oh, tut, tut, Hollander. You're not in jolly old England, are you, any more, old boy, old pip, eh? Here in America, we respect authority ... sort of. Anyway, you were talking to someone. Who was it?

MARK: Sorry, Mr Cheseborough. Just me alone with my thoughts.

Ace is floating close to the ceiling above Mark's head.

MARK: Anyway, speaking of thoughts, I think I should go now.

Ace zips out the window before Cheseborough sees him. The hand dryer falls on Cheseborough's foot.

CHESEBOROUGH: (hopping up and down in a circle) Ooh-ow! Hollander, come back here, you little cretin!

SCENE: Cafeteria

MARK: Thanks for saving my lunch. By the looks of it, thanks for saving me FROM my lunch!

CHUCK: How do you say "barf" in French?

SAM: You look worse than that gross French stuff!

CHUCK: Foie gras. Foie gross!

MARK: Here, you might want to call a doctor for Chuck.

SAM: Are we still on for rollerblading?

CHUCK: Rollerblading? Cool! I'll bring my scooter!

SAM: No! I mean, are you sure you're feeling up to it?

CHUCK: I'll be fine!

SAM: OK, well, I'll see you guys later. Bye, Mark.

MARK: Will you help me? Keep Samantha busy after school till I get there. I've got to help this friend. He's having some ... girl troubles.

CHUCK: No problem, dude! I'd just love some one-on-one time with Sam! And after seeing me bust some moves on my scooter ... Sam will be begging for a little Chucky love!

MARK: Suddenly, I don't feel too good!

SCENE: Carnival of Doom

LORD FEAR: Ah, my faithful Rat. Any word on the lost Lady?

RAT: Well, it's a good news, bad news kind of thing, LF. The bad news is ... How do I put this to you without you losing it? The Amulet's missing.

LORD FEAR: Hmm ... And the good news?

RAT: Yeah, well, the thing is, there ain't no good news. Just trying to cushion the blow of the missing Amulet thing there. I figured you'd have lost it by now! Those anger management tapes are really helping!

LORD FEAR: Shut up! We must find Lady Illusion. If the Amulet ends up in Ace Lightning's hands, we'll spend all of eternity imprisoned in the Sixth Dimension! What are you waiting for, vermin?! Find her!

SCENE: Rollerblading Park

Sam is sitting on a bench waiting for Mark. Chuck is riding around on his scooter.

CHUCK: Samantha, check this out! Whoa! Whoa!

He falls off the scooter onto the grass.

SAM: That's great, Chuck. Did Mark say he'd be late?

CHUCK: Er, yeah. He ... had some girl troubles or something. He asked me to keep you busy till he got here.

SAM: He did? I can't believe he said that!

CHUCK: Watch this.

SCENE: Park

Wayne is trying to burn a bug with a magnifying glass.

WAYNE: C'mon, you stupid bug, fry! Fine!

He stomps on the bug.

WAYNE: That'll learn ya!

Lady Illusion in dog form comes up with a stick and barks at Wayne.

WAYNE: Get out of here, you stupid dog! All right, all right. I'm going.

Wayne walks off and Lady Illusion transforms back into herself. Ace drops down behind her.

ACE: And they say you can't teach old dogs new tricks. Can you catch a Frisbee in your mouth, too?

LADY ILLUSION: No, but I can catch YOU!

Ace grabs her by the hand and pulls her up into the air. The crystal ball she's holding drops to the ground and explodes.

LADY ILLUSION: Is this any way to treat a lady?

ACE: Find me a lady and we'll see.

SCENE: Thunder Tower

Ace and Lady Illusion drop in from the ceiling. Mark is there with his laptop.

LADY ILLUSION: Hmm, let's see. He loves me ...

She throws a ball at Ace who moves out of the way.

LADY ILLUSION: He loves me not!

She throws another one and Ace ducks.

LADY ILLUSION: He loves me ...

She shoots another one that Ace hits with his wrist cannon.

ACE: He loves you not!

Ace fires at Lady Illusion and knocks her into the transformer.

LADY ILLUSION: Aargh!

Ace pulls her away from the transformer and they both land on the ground.

LADY ILLUSION: You saved me. Why?

ACE: It was the right thing to do.

LADY ILLUSION: You always do the right thing?

ACE: I try to.

They both stand up.

ACE: A-hem. Shouldn't you be getting back to Lord Fear?

LADY ILLUSION: Lord Fear is history. I'm on my own now. All alone in this dimension.

ACE: That's all right. I understand.

The Rat watches from above.

RAT: Yeah, and so do I!

He flies off.

SCENE: Carnival of Doom

Lord Fear has the Rat by the neck.

LORD FEAR: Where is she?

RAT: She's gone, boss. She's with Ace Lightning. I think she likes him. She didn't even try to get his piece of the Amulet.

STAFF HEAD: I knew that distressing damsel was not to be trusted!

LORD FEAR: Liar! Lady Illusion would never leave me for that snivelling so-called superhero!

He throws the Rat down to the ground.

RAT: Jeez, I guess Lord Cranky woke up on the wrong side of the coffin!

LORD FEAR: Tell Duff to prepare the ice-cream truck for deployment! Lady Illusion may have given her heart to Ace Lightning, but she will not give him my piece of the Amulet!

SCENE: Rollerblading Park

Sam is still waiting for Mark. Chuck is going to try and impress her by going up a jump on his scooter.

SAM: Er, Chuck, I don't think that's such a good idea. The emergency rooms are pretty crowded.

CHUCK: Piece of cake. I just need to like mentally prepare myself. See yourself gliding through the air! Fly, Chuckie, fly!

SAM: I can't believe Mark! Making plans and then not showing up! You know, I bet I know where he is!

She gets out her phone.

SAM: Hey, Chuck, how do I get the last number dialled?

CHUCK: Er ... try hitting recall.

LADY ILLUSION: Hello?

SAM: Hi. Is Mark there?

LADY ILLUSION: Yes, he's here but we're a little busy. Can I give him a message?

Mark and Ace are on the laptop.

SAM: Er, you know what? Forget it. I have nothing to say to him.

CHUCK: Sam, check it out! Help!

Chuck goes up the ramp and crashes onto the grass.

CHUCK: That was cool!

SCENE: Thunder Tower

MARK: I knew it! The computer detects a piece of the Amulet in this room.

ACE: It should, kid. You're wearing one around your neck.

MARK: Not mine. Hers! Don't you get it? She's after our piece of the Amulet!

LADY ILLUSION: He's right. That's why I left the Carnival of Doom. If I combine Lord Fear's piece of the Amulet with yours, I'd have enough power to get out of this dimension! But I don't care about that anymore. I want to stay here with you.

ACE: They have a saying in this world - opposite forces attract. Do you agree?

LADY ILLUSION: Why, Ace Lightning, are you flirting with me?

ACE: I don't know. I've never flirted before. But you didn't answer my question.

LADY ILLUSION: There's another saying in this world - actions speak louder than words.

She touches his hand and a small firework explodes.

MARK: Oh, boy!

SCENE: Rollerblading Park

CHUCK: Sam, check it out! Whoo!

Chuck goes up a ramp.

SAM: I can't believe this! He stood me up!

CHUCK: Did you see that?

SCENE: Thunder Tower

Mark puts a CD into his laptop called 'Mark's Music Mix'.

ACE: May I have this dance?

LADY ILLUSION: Why, Ace Lightning!

They start dancing.

MARK: I don't get it! Nothing in the rule book says they could fall in love.

The ice-cream truck drives up the road.

LORD FEAR: Faster Duff, step on it!

Ace and Lady Illusion continue to dance. Staff Head pops up in between them.

STAFF HEAD: Mind if I cut in?

LORD FEAR: You've caused me nothing but pain, Lightning - imprisoning me in the Sixth Dimension, this limp I walk with, all your doing! (Poor baby!) But taking away my Lady? Now it's personal!

Lady Illusion backs off from Ace.

ACE: Don't try me!

He shoots Lord Fear and grabs Staff Head.

ACE: You're finished, and you know it!

The Rat hovers in front of Mark, cackling.

RAT: Not so fast, Lightning! I got an ace up my sleeve!

ACE: Leave him alone, Rat!

RAT: I will if you will!

Ace shoots at the Rat who bolts and Mark ducks. Lord Fear grabs Staff Head back from Ace. He wraps Staff Head around Ace, restricting his movement.

STAFF HEAD: You hurt Lord Fear, I hurt you. Understand?

LORD FEAR: Sorry if my Staff Head doesn't hug you as well as Lady Illusion. Where is she?

STAFF HEAD: A-ha! There's your leaving Lady, your Lordship!

LADY ILLUSION: My Lord, I didn't leave you. I was merely trying to use your piece of the Amulet to trick Ace Lightning into giving us his. You must believe me!

LORD FEAR: Snookums, I believe you.

MARK: Snookums?

ACE: Snookums?

LORD FEAR: But just to be sure, bring me their piece of the Amulet. And one other thing - be a dear and finish off Ace Lightning and his annoying little sidekick!

MARK: If you loved Ace, you wouldn't do this!

LADY ILLUSION: I have to. It's the right thing to do.

She joins her piece of the Amulet with Mark's, summoning the Lightning Lance. Mark points it at Lord Fear and the Rat and fires.

RAT: Run for it! He's got a Lightning Lance!

Ace breaks free from Staff Head and fires at Lord Fear.

LORD FEAR: But how did he ... ?

LADY ILLUSION: There's no time! Escape while you can!

STAFF HEAD: Wait for me!

They all run out of the room. Ace takes the Lance from Mark. Lady Illusion leaves and the Lance disappears.

ACE: You saved me, kid. Thanks.

MARK: Don't thank me. Thank your lady friend. Maybe I was wrong about her. I think she really did like you.

ACE: It's strange. I've never felt this emotion before.

MARK: Ace, you've never felt ANY emotions before! But take it from me, when it comes to relationships, play it cool. You know, listen to everything she says real close.

ACE: You're pretty good at this relationship stuff, huh, kid?

MARK: Well, I've had a few experiences. Speaking of which, I think I should go!

SCENE: Outside the Thunder Tower

LORD FEAR: That was quite a performance, snookums! For a moment there, I thought you actually LIKED Ace Lightning!

Lord Fear gets into the ice-cream truck.

LADY ILLUSION: Me, too.

SCENE: Rollerblading Park

CHUCK: It's too late, dude. Samantha's gone.

MARK: I really blew it this time.

CHUCK: You and me both, dude! I tried a reverse triple sowcow and crashed into a tree! It was so cool! Samantha didn't even notice.

MARK AND CHUCK: Women!

SCENE: School Hall

MARK: (V.O) Pete, having a superhero friend definitely has it's problems. When it comes to your social life, forget it. But I did learn something from Ace. Sometimes you have to forget about the rules and just follow your heart.

Sam opens her locker and finds flowers from Mark in there. She smiles at Mark and they walk down the hall together.

THE END